PAF Spin Doctor

It seems as though the military is taking the incompetence line and running with it.

According to this Hamid Mir report from The News today, the Pakistan Air Force (PAF) has apparently tried to deflect blame on its radars being jammed by the US at the time of the OBL raid.

Their excuse? The radars weren’t jammed – we just hadn’t switched them on. You really can’t make this shit up.

Since this news report was published this morning the Pakistan Air Force has issued a statement denying that the radars weren’t operational. Too late though. The damage has been done.

Quite clearly, the Pakistan Air Force and the military in general needs a better spin doctor. I would like to volunteer my services for this noble task. I will now present a list of excuses that would have flown better than the one actually used by the PAF.

1)   “You see, there is only one electric supply connection for both the PAF radars and the Presidency. President Zardari has made it entirely clear that his air conditioners must not go off at night or he’ll sack the entire Pakistan Military. As is clear, we had no choice but to keep the radars off to continue the defense of our great nation. Yes, we’re blaming the civilian government for our failures.”

2)   “It’s usually just considered good practice to switch all electronics off before leaving the room, wouldn’t you say?”

3)   “The Pakistan Air Force is acutely aware of the shortage of electricity in our nation. As part of the energy conservation movement launched by the sitting government we have decided to keep all radars off between 9 pm and 9 am. A replacement plan has been devised though. The Ruet-e-Hilal Committee has been hired all year long now to keep an eye on any intruding vehicles. Their ability to spot the moon for Eid is unmatched and we’re looking to bring this capacity into our national defense.”

4)   “It is with a very heart that we have to inform the nation that the individuals manning the radars all spontaneously combusted that night.”

5)   “The freedom afforded to the Pakistani media has allowed us to streamline our operations. Now we just keep our televisions on to see when the Geo and Express wallahs report on some incident. We then try and rush to the scene, but the rickshaws hired as part of the streamlining effort are often late. The tardiness of Rickshaw Wallahs is something we feel the entire nation can empathize with.”

6)    “No, no. They weren’t off, they weren’t jammed either. We identified an intrusion but the radars picked up a migratory pack of birds the other day. We scrambled our jets for nothing then. Fuel is terribly expensive, and we’re just trying to not increase the burden on the national exchequer.”

7)   “You know, sometimes there are things you just don’t need to fucking know.”

8)   “Our nuclear weapons are safe. No further questions.”