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PAF Spin Doctor

May 7, 2011
tags: , ,

It seems as though the military is taking the incompetence line and running with it.

According to this Hamid Mir report from The News today, the Pakistan Air Force (PAF) has apparently tried to deflect blame on its radars being jammed by the US at the time of the OBL raid.

Their excuse? The radars weren’t jammed – we just hadn’t switched them on. You really can’t make this shit up.

Since this news report was published this morning the Pakistan Air Force has issued a statement denying that the radars weren’t operational. Too late though. The damage has been done.

Quite clearly, the Pakistan Air Force and the military in general needs a better spin doctor. I would like to volunteer my services for this noble task. I will now present a list of excuses that would have flown better than the one actually used by the PAF.

1)   “You see, there is only one electric supply connection for both the PAF radars and the Presidency. President Zardari has made it entirely clear that his air conditioners must not go off at night or he’ll sack the entire Pakistan Military. As is clear, we had no choice but to keep the radars off to continue the defense of our great nation. Yes, we’re blaming the civilian government for our failures.”

2)   “It’s usually just considered good practice to switch all electronics off before leaving the room, wouldn’t you say?”

3)   “The Pakistan Air Force is acutely aware of the shortage of electricity in our nation. As part of the energy conservation movement launched by the sitting government we have decided to keep all radars off between 9 pm and 9 am. A replacement plan has been devised though. The Ruet-e-Hilal Committee has been hired all year long now to keep an eye on any intruding vehicles. Their ability to spot the moon for Eid is unmatched and we’re looking to bring this capacity into our national defense.”

4)   “It is with a very heart that we have to inform the nation that the individuals manning the radars all spontaneously combusted that night.”

5)   “The freedom afforded to the Pakistani media has allowed us to streamline our operations. Now we just keep our televisions on to see when the Geo and Express wallahs report on some incident. We then try and rush to the scene, but the rickshaws hired as part of the streamlining effort are often late. The tardiness of Rickshaw Wallahs is something we feel the entire nation can empathize with.”

6)    “No, no. They weren’t off, they weren’t jammed either. We identified an intrusion but the radars picked up a migratory pack of birds the other day. We scrambled our jets for nothing then. Fuel is terribly expensive, and we’re just trying to not increase the burden on the national exchequer.”

7)   “You know, sometimes there are things you just don’t need to fucking know.”

8)   “Our nuclear weapons are safe. No further questions.”

15 Comments leave one →
  1. Sandeep permalink
    May 7, 2011 1:45 pm

    Anyway, It was a Sunday night. Who works on Sundays? All forces and radar were on rest. Moreover, Sunday holiday is a western concept. They cheated:(

  2. @lawgrade permalink
    May 7, 2011 2:54 pm

    Nobody on the choppers was carrying the new, super-secret tracking device, the iPhone. Whole nation has been let down.

  3. May 7, 2011 4:12 pm

    hahahaha, brilliant.

  4. May 7, 2011 4:35 pm

    The people of Paksitan should look their gazes towards the heavens in support of the sacrifices that the PAK maks on a daily basis.

  5. May 7, 2011 10:36 pm

    your candid and blunt voice against the army is appreciated. especially appreciate the humour. this is the first time i re-call the ISPR failing to put up anything for a couple of days. and then when it did it came up with the utterly ludicrous. acha hai. makes for less awami manipulation. aur zyada raaz faash. in any case, keep it up. much appreciated.

  6. Shoaib permalink
    May 9, 2011 1:15 pm

    How about ” We hired the fired Air traffice controller from JFK. He must have slept on the job again, and probably missed the US choppers flying in”.

  7. Iqra permalink
    May 11, 2011 4:30 am

    I think your list of 8 suggestions is not only funny but makes you highly eligible for the job of a spin doctor at PAF!

  8. May 12, 2011 8:35 am

    I suspect this is a plagiarized post. I feel you’ve copied the “excuses” from actual statements made in the past. Not good.

  9. Omar Haroon permalink
    May 17, 2011 4:58 am

    The “Ruet-e-Hilal Committee” point made me chuckle quite a bit. God forbid if were to integrate that sort of capacity in our spectacular national defense 😛

  10. May 17, 2011 4:04 pm

    Like NFP said, PAF Radars for sale, Rs. 999 only. They’re really good at catching starplus but fail to detect aircraft!

  11. May 18, 2011 10:54 am

    The Kakul Syndrome

    (for the silent revolution in Pakistan)

    By Habib Sulemani

    God Almighty! Generals fake
    They’ve put country at stake
    Generals mean personal gain
    The armed forces’re in pain!

    Generals’re bloody fool
    Take a bath an’ be cool!

    Military men’re public servants
    Not masters from the heavens!
    But they’re arrogant an’ cruel
    Don’t care for common people

    Generals’re bloody fool
    Take a bath an’ be cool!

    You own huge firms an’ agriland
    Turning country into terrorland!
    No-one among you bothers at all
    Where the terrified people stand!

    Suffering from the Kakul Syndrome
    You’re always out—even if at home
    By providing terrorists sanctuary
    You’ve failed to protect country

    Still you behave like intellectuals
    Not men behind petty squabbles!
    You’ve lost every single battle
    Yet foolishly believe: you rattle!

    Generals’re bloody fool
    Take a bath an’ be cool!

    After failure on geographical borders
    You champion ideological frontiers
    It’s easy to fight on ambiguous front
    Cos you like a lavish bedroom stint!

    Using a pawn religious leader
    Or an ISI-paid TV anchor
    You can make storm in teacup
    Change system—down to up!

    The generals’ve taken refuge
    In ideological war an’ abuse!
    Don’t try to fool world anymore!
    Don’t you see outside an uproar?

    Generals’re bloody fool
    Take a bath an’ be cool!

    See the writing on the wall
    Only you’re sick not we all
    The military is vanguard
    Of a scary fanatic world!
    The nation wants to know your aim
    You’ve multiplied the double game!

    You’re soldiers or businessmen?
    Playing tricks on the politician!
    You didn’t defend country borders
    With broken oath, you’re traitors!

    There is no escape from the law
    Dug earth with your filthy paw!
    You can’t deceive the tax payers
    God has heard people’s prayers!

    You’ve lied to the nation
    Not once, again an’ again
    You’ve neither mind nor a soul
    An’ you’re always playing foul!

    Generals’re bloody fool
    Take a bath an’ be cool!

    It’s time to take a dose of wisdom!
    Stop violation of our basic freedom
    Respect democracy at home
    Or face the doom an’ gloom!

  12. May 22, 2011 12:12 am

    This is quite sweet, actually. Maybe someone should send your CV to the ISPR.
    Could work out quite well you know…

  13. May 30, 2011 5:16 am

    hahahah i m ur fan nw 😀

  14. ammar rahim permalink
    May 30, 2011 12:01 pm

    sad …so bloody sad….when i was reading this article i was thinking like ,ok! no problem may b the writer is upset like me n rest of the nation…but at least there are still people who wont really agree to his “dark humor”…

    but it saddens me to realize that not even a single comment was there in support of the people who r working day and nyt so that mr writer n the rest of the “cool blog reading guys” here,can sleep peacefully without caring about their families..and life 4 that matter…

    i have an idea …y dznt every 1 above who think that this whole thing is hilarious ,to spend even 1 bloody single night in siachin mayb or to stand guard at smplace at nyt in cold….its so bloody easy to sit in ur comfortable sofa in air conditioners n judging sm1….

    i m not saying not to angry about what happened but at least pay sm respect to ppl like sarfraz rafique,allaudin,minhas,mushaf, who gave their lives so that ppl like us can live freely….

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