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Exemplary Punishments for Exemplary Idiots

May 6, 2011
tags: , ,

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

In case you hadn’t heard.

Found in Abbotabad (or A-bought-aa-baad as many people who know how to pronounce the name Abbott insist on pronouncing it), killed by Navy SEALS in a 40 minute operation, and then buried at sea.

No matter how you cut it, though, there are serious questions that the Pakistan Military and the ISI need to answer.

Did they know OBL was in Abbottabad, a stone’s throw from Kakul? If they did, why wasn’t anything done? If they didn’t, what kind of sweeps were they doing in Abbottabad when higher ups from the military, including General K, would visit Kakul? Why has the ISI and the military been receiving such a large chunk of the budget if they were unable to find the most wanted man on earth so close to one of their haunts?

Did they know about the American operation to take out OBL? If they did, why are they pretending as though they didn’t? It’s not as though Al-Qaeda and its many allies aren’t targeting Pakistan and Pakistanis as is. If they didn’t, then should we understand that the much vaunted PakMil and Air Force allowed an invasion for nearly 90 minutes? And if so, we come back to the issue of the precious, and scarce, national resources the military consumes.

Therefore, they must be punished. Beyond the optimal punishment of firing General K, DG-ISI Pasha, and other upper brass, and slashing the budget, I would like to recommend a series of individual punishments for all the incompetents in charge of our national security.

Director General ISI, Ahmed Shuja Pasha

Dear DG ISI,

Your phone, all landlines and mobile devices, will be tapped for all eternity by the same incompetent ISI lowlies who tap our phones. Every single phone conversation you have will be interrupted by the Tony Soprano style deep nasal breathing and accidental button pushing sounds made by the guys who tap every other Pakistani’s phone.

You will be locked in a room with Ansar Abbasi for a minimum of five hours a day where you will provide him with information from “sources”. You will then have to proof read his articles so that none of us have to deal with the mangled language he believes to be English.

You will have to spend 24 continuous hours each week watching Hamid Mir, Orya Maqbool Jan, and Zaid Hamid talking up the ISI. Your eyelids will be kept open a la Clockwork Orange. There is no quicker way to get to hate the ISI, take it from a bloody civilian.

The Corps Commanders

Dear Corps Commanders,

Your membership to all golf clubs in the country will be immediately rescinded, including your precious Garrison Golf Courses. Your handicaps will also be made public so we can all point and laugh.

Your houses will be turned into public parks where civilians can come and go as they please. You will continue to live there, however, in a very limited portion of the estate. People will come and gawk at you and marvel at the once powerful species “Pakistan’s Lords and Masters.”

You will be lined up at Wagah daily at 6 pm where you will sing “Saare Jahaan Se Achha Hindustan Hamara” as a confidence building measure. The Poet of the East will be terribly proud.

Chief of the Army Staff, General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani

Dear General K,

I hope you enjoy the shipment of Nicorette I have included in this package for you. We know how much you love your self-rolled cigarettes, but they are truly very bad for your health. So, chew on this.

As further punishment, you will have to join Musharraf’s All Pakistan Muslim League. We know you know he’s insufferable. Now prepare to spend the rest of your life as his spokesperson.

The Pakistan Armed Forces

Civilian. Control.

Hurts, don’t it?

25 Comments leave one →
  1. May 6, 2011 4:13 pm

    Make it so!

  2. May 6, 2011 5:01 pm

    LMAO at ‘You will be locked in a room with Ansar Abbasi for a minimum of five hours a day where you will provide him with information from “sources”.’

    It will be the best ever punishment.

  3. Ramesh permalink
    May 6, 2011 5:03 pm

    Is this suppose to be funny?

  4. May 6, 2011 5:03 pm

    ROFL! This is classic! You’re doing an Antony on the figurative Brutus, are you not? 😛

  5. May 6, 2011 5:19 pm

    ‘Reality-check’ moments are rarely pleasant and this OBL-kill-op incident is turning out to be a reality-check for our entire country… its serious, serious stuff
    humor is always appreciated and I admire the fact your u are able to find humor in an icky situation …
    I think u were too easy on ash.fuck. I mean giving ‘General K’ nicorette so that he can’t have his hand-rolled cigarettes (god knows what he’s rolling in these, … the alertness of the army makes me believe its not entirely tobacco) is like Osama bin laden getting 300 hours of community service as a punish for his terrorist ways … (lenient would be an euphemism here)

    As an Alternative sentence I propose nicorette patches instead of nicorette gum for General K. Ash.fuck should be stamped with soo many patches so that it induces death due to nicotine overdose … similar to what was done to the protagonist from `Thank you for Smoking` – and then we tell everyone in the country that this is what happens to incompetent d.bags.
    That`ll be quite a precedent.

  6. May 6, 2011 5:54 pm


    Nice to see….. liberals in the ISLAMIC Republic of Pakistan….. are rejoicing death of a MUSLIM………. while their impreial masters continue the destruction of the UMMAH..



  7. Aarish Hasan permalink
    May 6, 2011 6:13 pm

    I purpose that Genral kiyani must be hand over to Mehr Bukhari for a regular guest of her shows.(examplary punishment for him)

  8. Fahad permalink
    May 6, 2011 6:24 pm

    Why not u write President to get rid hussain haqqani who issued 450 visas in one night without clearance that allowed CIA to create a stage of its own interest. Its easy to blame military estab. they should be no doubt about it but look at the civilians. What gov. institute u have in example that is in order.

  9. May 6, 2011 6:42 pm

    Wish it could be possible. [sigh]

  10. Anonymous permalink
    May 6, 2011 7:04 pm


  11. May 6, 2011 7:30 pm

    please add watching sahir lodhi show in punishment

  12. May 6, 2011 7:35 pm

    Not sure about the ‘Saarey Jahan say acha remark, would prefer busting all Corps Commanders down down to permanent traffic cops in some Godforsaken corner of Punjab or Balochistan or busiest intersection of Karachi.

    And agree with Jelaibi that General K gets off too easy. Like the ‘Thank You For Smoking’ idea but want him alive and suffering. Idea: Kept on Permanent Nicotine Craving + APML Spokesperson For Life + Permanent Message Boy to the US & Afghan Embassies/Governments!

    All in All Kawa 😀 Let’s do this!

  13. May 6, 2011 7:50 pm

    what have they done to youuu?? this country is a cruel place.

  14. May 6, 2011 10:05 pm

    Bold and funny

  15. omar permalink
    May 6, 2011 10:05 pm

    Nice piece.
    I do find it plausible that Pakistan actually cooperated with the raid. But the story has its impact even if its not totally true. A friend commented yesterday that ISI may have lost more than they THOUGHT they were losing (in other words, their incompetence extends to their secret negotiations with the US as well)..let us assume that the US found out about Osama and held a gun to their head or that the US applied some pressure to make them cough him up or that the US always knew and now Obama wanted him caught (the last theory assumes that Cheney never actually wanted him caught) or whatever, but whatever the details, the thing my friend wanted to point out was that ISI may have thought they are going to take on some humiliation and flak and get the deal done and then rupee news and paknationalists would step in and make sure the blame fell on Zardari and its back to business as usual, but Michael Corleone in the White House knew that once the story was out, it would change the whole strategic picture. All of sudden, its not the same world it was on saturday.
    I think there may be something in that thought.
    Anyway, who knows. Or rather, someone knows but it aint me. But wow, either HUGELY incompetent or HUGELY involved or (most likely) BOTH.

  16. May 7, 2011 8:31 am

    Love it!

  17. May 7, 2011 10:28 am

    More serious issue is, which absolutely no one seems to be talking about, is, we almost have a face to blame all those suicide bombings. Who is it going to be? Its very likely that it was our own ISI!

  18. May 7, 2011 11:14 am

    lolxx, by the way Ansar Abbasi k pechy q parh gae ho ?

    wonderful writing, I like it…

  19. May 7, 2011 11:24 am

    > You will be locked in a room with Ansar Abbasi for a minimum of five hours a day where you
    > will provide him with information from “sources”. You will then have to proof read his
    > articles so that none of us have to deal with the mangled language he believes to be English.


  20. javed khan permalink
    May 7, 2011 12:18 pm

    as a budget cut all vvip guest rooms in prime station messes where serving and retired generals and their families sojourn for a ridiculously low daily rent will forthwith cease to excist and just like the rest of the officer class in the army batmans will be taken away from generals most of whom have not one but many soldiers performing domestic chores . Also as an austerity measure the operators and telephone exchanges set up in domeatic residences should be withdrawn . the government should also conduct a comparison with the perks and priveleges afforded by Indian , British , chinese and the US general staff and benefits of retired brass and then trim the flab from our lot and lastly the military budget should be curtailed after a detailed scrutiny and the money saved diverted towards the education sector

  21. javed khan permalink
    May 7, 2011 12:20 pm

    moderation in terms of content or size

  22. May 7, 2011 1:18 pm

    Excellent. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

  23. May 7, 2011 1:29 pm

    like it!

  24. Meekal Ahmed permalink
    May 7, 2011 8:15 pm

    Absolutely hilarious!

  25. farooq hashmi permalink
    May 9, 2011 3:07 pm

    No doubt lapses are there.Pl keep in mind that your scrambled jets could have come down in seconds and again you would have been passing simmilar comments.
    About spending on defense well its still a detterent and even US has to be calculative to further push us… should be well aware that your enemies can harm you when you within yourself
    show lack of unity.Critising is the most easiest thing which many these days feel proud to do.
    Even a country like US failed to stop 9/11 and the kennedy murder and so on….
    Hold your horses…. still the critisisers are having the best from our country…..Pl first asses your own capabilities….you would have even performed worst……Pl think

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