Exemplary Punishments for Exemplary Idiots
Osama Bin Laden is dead.
In case you hadn’t heard.
Found in Abbotabad (or A-bought-aa-baad as many people who know how to pronounce the name Abbott insist on pronouncing it), killed by Navy SEALS in a 40 minute operation, and then buried at sea.
No matter how you cut it, though, there are serious questions that the Pakistan Military and the ISI need to answer.
Did they know OBL was in Abbottabad, a stone’s throw from Kakul? If they did, why wasn’t anything done? If they didn’t, what kind of sweeps were they doing in Abbottabad when higher ups from the military, including General K, would visit Kakul? Why has the ISI and the military been receiving such a large chunk of the budget if they were unable to find the most wanted man on earth so close to one of their haunts?
Did they know about the American operation to take out OBL? If they did, why are they pretending as though they didn’t? It’s not as though Al-Qaeda and its many allies aren’t targeting Pakistan and Pakistanis as is. If they didn’t, then should we understand that the much vaunted PakMil and Air Force allowed an invasion for nearly 90 minutes? And if so, we come back to the issue of the precious, and scarce, national resources the military consumes.
Therefore, they must be punished. Beyond the optimal punishment of firing General K, DG-ISI Pasha, and other upper brass, and slashing the budget, I would like to recommend a series of individual punishments for all the incompetents in charge of our national security.
Director General ISI, Ahmed Shuja Pasha
Dear DG ISI,
Your phone, all landlines and mobile devices, will be tapped for all eternity by the same incompetent ISI lowlies who tap our phones. Every single phone conversation you have will be interrupted by the Tony Soprano style deep nasal breathing and accidental button pushing sounds made by the guys who tap every other Pakistani’s phone.
You will be locked in a room with Ansar Abbasi for a minimum of five hours a day where you will provide him with information from “sources”. You will then have to proof read his articles so that none of us have to deal with the mangled language he believes to be English.
You will have to spend 24 continuous hours each week watching Hamid Mir, Orya Maqbool Jan, and Zaid Hamid talking up the ISI. Your eyelids will be kept open a la Clockwork Orange. There is no quicker way to get to hate the ISI, take it from a bloody civilian.
The Corps Commanders
Dear Corps Commanders,
Your membership to all golf clubs in the country will be immediately rescinded, including your precious Garrison Golf Courses. Your handicaps will also be made public so we can all point and laugh.
Your houses will be turned into public parks where civilians can come and go as they please. You will continue to live there, however, in a very limited portion of the estate. People will come and gawk at you and marvel at the once powerful species “Pakistan’s Lords and Masters.”
You will be lined up at Wagah daily at 6 pm where you will sing “Saare Jahaan Se Achha Hindustan Hamara” as a confidence building measure. The Poet of the East will be terribly proud.
Chief of the Army Staff, General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani
Dear General K,
I hope you enjoy the shipment of Nicorette I have included in this package for you. We know how much you love your self-rolled cigarettes, but they are truly very bad for your health. So, chew on this.
As further punishment, you will have to join Musharraf’s All Pakistan Muslim League. We know you know he’s insufferable. Now prepare to spend the rest of your life as his spokesperson.
The Pakistan Armed Forces
Hurts, don’t it?