Best Cabinet Ever
Senior PPP Leader Jehangir Badar has informed the nation that President Zardari has allowed Prime Minister Gillani to dissolve the cabinet. Following this dissolution, I’m assuming (or at least hoping) that we’ll have a new one.
In my capacity as know-nothing nobody I’m going to make some serious recommendations for the various ministerial posts that effectively lie vacant. This will, undoubtedly, be the best cabinet ever.
Job Description: Sheer incompetence.
Incumbent: Rehman Malik
Replacement: Babar Awan
Rehman Malik, he of the wondrous tie collection, has excelled at doing absolutely nothing, and when he has tried to do something it’s been useless.
Babar Awan, he of the wondrous two-tone beard, has excelled at doing absolute nothing, and when he has tried to do something it’s been useless.
Job Description: Fancy accent.
Incumbent: Shah Mehmood Qureshi
Replacement: Firdaus Ashiq Awan.
A fancy accent is a fancy accent. It doesn’t matter if the inflection is Punjabi. That’s still fucking fancy. Besides, Aapa Firdaus has already been involved in some serious Track II diplomacy when she bestowed a crown upon Shoaib Malik during her whirlwind tour of India. She knows what she’s doing.
Should we ever be in a sticky situation with the Americans, she’ll toss Hillary Clinton on the same scrapheap where she threw Kashmala Tariq. In that case the “starting your political career from the bedroom” insult might even be somewhat apt.
Job Description: Not being taken seriously.
Incumbent: Hafeez Sheikh
Replacement: Imran Khan
Because no one is taken less seriously than Imran Khan.
Job Description: Trying to please everyone.
Incumbent: Qamar Zaman Kaira
Replacement: Aitezaz Ahsan
No one has perfected the art of trying to please everyone quite like Aitezaz as. In the process, pretty much everyone has an issue with him now. Too close to the judiciary. Too close to the government. Too close to the PMLN. Not liberal enough. Too liberal.
Perfect for a job that garners nothing but bile.
Job Description: Having no power.
Incumbent: Ahmad Mukhtar
Does it really matter who Defence Minister is?
Job Description: Being an A-Class Asshole
Incumbent: Babar Awan
Replacement: Ansar Abbasi
The government might finally be able to get in Ansar Abbasi’s good books by offering him a cabinet position. Besides, isn’t he an expert on the law? Just like he’s an expert on Islam, and the constitution, and the economy, and foreign relations, and making up sources? He’d be so great we’d forget all about Babar Awan in two months.
Job Description: Having a pulse.
Incumbent: Yousuf Raza Gillani
Replacement: Veena Malik
Because we need someone who has the gumption to tell the Mullahs what’s what. As “Mufti Saaaab” rings through our parliament, we’ll finally have someone who instills the fear of God in the religious right. Call them out and they’ll step down. I haven’t seen anyone do it quite like Veena Malik has.