Those Meddling Minorities
Meray Aziz Humwatno,
Behno aur Bhaiyo,
It has come to my attention that we are facing a serious crisis from within. The Minorities of our great nation have banded together on an unholy mission to defame our beautiful nation and religion. We must do everything in our power to ensure the failure of their malicious plan.
While we have laws in place that already keep these minorities at bay, recent events suggest that they are insufficient in assuring us 176 million Muslims the dominance over the country we wish to have. Newer, more stringent laws must be put in effect to crush the 4 million people that comprise our nation’s Minorities.
I am detailing a plan here that, if followed in letter and spirit, will once and for all create the pure Pakistan we so ache for.
Step 1: Boycott Their Businesses
Though our great nation’s minority community is mostly involved in small businesses and menial work, it is still a significant lifeline that ensures their ability to live from day to day. This must come to an immediate stop.
If you have any Christians working for you, you must fire them immediately. It would be difficult for you to find a good Muslim sanitary worker, but we have bred poverty in our nation. This way we will manage to find Muslim sanitary workers quite easily too.
In case you consume Murree Beer (something which you should really not be doing, given our religious background) cease and desist immediately. The brewery is run by Zoroastrians. I don’t know what that means, but I know it’s not Muslim. Please shift to the moonshine made by impoverished Muslims across this great nation of ours.
Step 2: Make Them Wear Visible Symbols
Any good Muslim in this land of ours would already be evident to anyone. A good Muslim woman will be covered from head to toe, and a good Muslim man will have a long flowing beard.
The problem arises with our Minorities. With no visible markers to differentiate them from us, we must develop a means through which to do so. I recommend armbands or patches. A Christian could have a yellow cross, a Hindu an orange Om, and a Zoroastrian could have a pink whatever they have.
It may also make sense to extend this to dissidents, feminists, and homosexuals, but they are even more difficult to identify. We’ll wait for that once we’re in the next phase.
Step 3: State Alliance With The Clergy
Done, and done. Sometimes, I’m terrified by how efficient we can be.
Step 4: Relocate The Minorities
One of the gravest problems with our Minorities is that they are dispersed across the entire nation. This gives them the ability to mingle with good Muslims and poison their minds with egalitarian concepts. We do believe in equality. This is one of our defining features. However, this equality must be scaled. Some are, in fact, more equal than others.
To avoid such poisonous thought I recommend relocating all minorities to one specific area. Madagascar is much too far and would be prohibitively expensive. Therefore, it would make sense to dispatch all of them to a remote location in Interior Sindh, Southern Punjab, Eastern Balochistan, vagheira, vagheira.
By doing so we will minimize the export of dangerous ideas to our populace.
Step 5: Stomping The Danger Out
On the one hand, relocating all minorities to one area will diminish their ability to intermingle with our population at large. On the other, such a large concentration of The Other might cause them to band together in a way that could be harmful to our nation.
Therefore, they must be eliminated.
I will not go into details as to how this must be done. Starve them. Gas them. Hang them. These are footnotes.
Step 6: Mission Accomplished