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Those Meddling Minorities

November 27, 2010

Meray Aziz Humwatno,

Behno aur Bhaiyo,

It has come to my attention that we are facing a serious crisis from within. The Minorities of our great nation have banded together on an unholy mission to defame our beautiful nation and religion. We must do everything in our power to ensure the failure of their malicious plan.

While we have laws in place that already keep these minorities at bay, recent events suggest that they are insufficient in assuring us 176 million Muslims the dominance over the country we wish to have. Newer, more stringent laws must be put in effect to crush the 4 million people that comprise our nation’s Minorities.

I am detailing a plan here that, if followed in letter and spirit, will once and for all create the pure Pakistan we so ache for.

Step 1: Boycott Their Businesses

Though our great nation’s minority community is mostly involved in small businesses and menial work, it is still a significant lifeline that ensures their ability to live from day to day. This must come to an immediate stop.

If you have any Christians working for you, you must fire them immediately. It would be difficult for you to find a good Muslim sanitary worker, but we have bred poverty in our nation. This way we will manage to find Muslim sanitary workers quite easily too.

In case you consume Murree Beer (something which you should really not be doing, given our religious background) cease and desist immediately. The brewery is run by Zoroastrians. I don’t know what that means, but I know it’s not Muslim. Please shift to the moonshine made by impoverished Muslims across this great nation of ours.

Step 2: Make Them Wear Visible Symbols

Any good Muslim in this land of ours would already be evident to anyone. A good Muslim woman will be covered from head to toe, and a good Muslim man will have a long flowing beard.

The problem arises with our Minorities. With no visible markers to differentiate them from us, we must develop a means through which to do so. I recommend armbands or patches. A Christian could have a yellow cross, a Hindu an orange Om, and a Zoroastrian could have a pink whatever they have.

It may also make sense to extend this to dissidents, feminists, and homosexuals, but they are even more difficult to identify. We’ll wait for that once we’re in the next phase.

Step 3: State Alliance With The Clergy

Done, and done. Sometimes, I’m terrified by how efficient we can be.

Step 4: Relocate The Minorities

One of the gravest problems with our Minorities is that they are dispersed across the entire nation. This gives them the ability to mingle with good Muslims and poison their minds with egalitarian concepts. We do believe in equality. This is one of our defining features. However, this equality must be scaled. Some are, in fact, more equal than others.

To avoid such poisonous thought I recommend relocating all minorities to one specific area. Madagascar is much too far and would be prohibitively expensive. Therefore, it would make sense to dispatch all of them to a remote location in Interior Sindh, Southern Punjab, Eastern Balochistan, vagheira, vagheira.

By doing so we will minimize the export of dangerous ideas to our populace.

Step 5: Stomping The Danger Out

On the one hand, relocating all minorities to one area will diminish their ability to intermingle with our population at large. On the other, such a large concentration of The Other might cause them to band together in a way that could be harmful to our nation.

Therefore, they must be eliminated.

I will not go into details as to how this must be done. Starve them. Gas them. Hang them. These are footnotes.

Step 6: Mission Accomplished


14 Comments leave one →
  1. Shahid permalink
    November 27, 2010 2:40 pm

    Haha, nice solution. I guess you have never met anybody who would refuse to drink Shezan juices because the owners are Ahmedis. I have had four such colleagues.

  2. November 27, 2010 2:54 pm

    Hats off to you for speaking out so loudly.

    Hope your breeds grows.

    Lets hope your message spreads across to those who believe in living in peace and harmony.

    God Bless you

  3. yawar permalink
    November 27, 2010 3:47 pm

    Top satire. Reminds me of NFP’s style and sarcasm.

  4. November 27, 2010 6:37 pm

    4 Million

    I think it’s around 7 0r 6 Million. We have 3 Million Hindus.

    Sometimes, I’m terrified by how efficient we can be.

    Kalakawa, you called out NFP on being orientalist. I’m calling you out on being a pessimist who thinks that Pakistan will eventually be overrun by Sunni religious fanaticism. The tone in Pabandi of the inevitability of these religious psychos winning out, and you’re reference in “Fun With Our Friends”, to the last Mazar being destroyed, ending it with mullahs entering the newspaper. Now you use the idea these buggers have of a final solution. Let me scare you by first telling you that there are people in this country who would like to not just religiously cleanse Pakistan, but sectarianally empty the place out. Let me also tell you that there are people who would kill them if they tried.

    The situation isn’t as bleak as you would think. But that’s the difference between NFP and you mate. NFP actually fought people. I bothered to show up at the Press Club after the Ahmedi killings. Maybe if more people were willing to be utterly vicious at the religious assholes, we wouldn’t feel depressed.

    • November 27, 2010 7:06 pm

      TLW,

      First, apologies if the number I used for minorities was incorrect. The intent here was more to show the huge difference in number between Muslims and minorities in the country.

      Second, the hyperbole which I use in my posts often isn’t an assumption that the Mullahs will win out. It’s simply to reference the possibility of what can happen if they do win in the end. In my opinion, these are two very distinct things.

      While I agree with you that the situation isn’t necessarily absolutely grim, I think there is overwhelming evidence that more and more public discourse and space has been ceded to the right over the past thirty years. The point I try to make with my posts is usually that if we continue to cede space to them we’re in for a shitty, shitty future. Not that space will in fact continue to be ceded to them.

    • November 27, 2010 8:56 pm

      Second, the hyperbole which I use in my posts often isn’t an assumption that the Mullahs will win out.

      I hope so.

      It’s simply to reference the possibility of what can happen if they do win in the end.

      That is dystopic beyond belief.

      In my opinion, these are two very distinct things.

      They are. But if one wishes to win, maybe a positive aspiration can be read into one’s work. That can be done by directly satirising what is wrong and abusive about the present with the intention of stopping it in it’s tracks. There are many examples of people parodying those who are making the environment a worse place to live in and thus rallying those who can stand in the way of the abusers.

      While I agree with you that the situation isn’t necessarily absolutely grim, I think there is overwhelming evidence that more and more public discourse and space has been ceded to the right over the past thirty years.

      Again you are speaking a truth of which there is no doubt. Maybe an aggressive manner should be adopted in taking down those who are ruining the present.

      The point I try to make with my posts is usually that if we continue to cede space to them we’re in for a shitty, shitty future.

      Obviously

      Not that space will in fact continue to be ceded to them.

      Everybody’s behind you on that one, mate.

      When you put in the picture of Hitler, it kind of triggered a very angry response in me. That might be because the exterminationist agenda behind groups like L-e-Jhangvi, the Ahrar, is blatantly obvious, yet little is done to counter the environment which produces such people. It might also have something to do with those who participated in war crimes in Bangladesh, Balochistan and parts of Pakistan got of scot free.

      • Sac permalink
        December 2, 2010 12:56 am

        “yet little is done to counter the environment which produces such people.”

        Yes and satirising the very comparable ideas of mullahism and Nazism (in regard to minorities) is one of those ways. Why is it that people are so unwilling to hear criticism of their own society? Discourse is part of the environment.

        I would argue the situation is not as bleak as I would think….it is worse. This is a country with a law (passed in the 20th century no less) that allows you to be charged with holding beliefs other than Islam (any statement contrary to Islamic teaching is of course blasphemy). This is a country where the government publicly supports sectarian organisations and sponsors them with tax money. This is a country where illegally constructed mosques are immune to the law. This is a country where the tourism minister has the balls to say that the Taliban (the same people who have blown up everything from Peshawar to Karachi) are the “true followers to Islam.”

        Do you really think this is a breeding ground for optimism? It is optimists who are to blame for this situation, those who sat by and turned a blind eye to how slowly things went from bad to worse while they touched themselves to deluded visions of a ‘better future’. What “eventual” overrunning of sunni extremists are you talking about? That already happened.

  5. November 27, 2010 7:52 pm

    good one:)

    a digression:

    thank god jinnah was never photographed with a stubble… had such a photo existed…then the stubble gradually would have been replaced with a beard and between hazrat and quaid e azam a maulana would have been inserted!

    once again, thank god for small mercies;)

  6. November 27, 2010 8:55 pm

    Another great read! Picture is perfect since we have many, many people here who adore Hitler and then go into a complete and total shake of shock when they discover he didn’t exactly think Muslims were the pinnacle of existence. Because if someone hates the Jews, they MUST love the Muslims, right? Amazing how faulty our logic is here.

  7. December 1, 2010 6:51 pm

    U forgot to mention the use of ‘Yahoodi’ cola n how we should endorse the brands bearing the names of religious places and symbols. N how our children should be protected from the vaccinations esp. from an International Donor Agency cuz it is a plot to kill our children.

  8. Sultan permalink
    December 4, 2010 6:40 pm

    You are a day late and a dollar short.

    Your more enthusiastic brothers in the UK are already boycotting businesses and depriving heretics of employment:

    http://www.thisislocallondon.co.uk/whereilive/southlondon/wimbledon/8451429.Hate_campaign_discovered_against_Islamic_minority/

    and the TTP are taking care of the employment issue in Punjab:

    http://tribune.com.pk/story/84941/ttp-threatens-attacks-in-punjab/

    As for clothing, once all Muslims are wearing the required garb it would be easy to identify the non-Muslims. Yellow stars, orange pants, etc … are an unnecessary complication and the best plans are always simple. Or, we could just insist that as Muslims wear clothes, non-Muslims should go naked. This would make it easier to identify them and lessen the hassle for them at security checks in airports.

    Relocation is also being taken care of, without requiring any expense by the state. I imagine that every new attack leads to more immigration or internal displacement.

    Killing them all would require even more state expense and borrowing from infidels at exorbitant interest rates. Unemployed displaced people can simply be left to starve.

  9. Mr Green permalink
    January 12, 2011 2:22 pm

    This boycott is spreading even to the UK now. On one hand these mullahs say Ahmadis are nobodies, we lie about our numbers, we are not that important, so why do they need to urge their “Muslim” worshippers to boycott Ahmadi businesses?

    http://www.wimbledonguardian.co.uk/news/8451539.Worshippers_told_to_boycott_Ahmadiyya_shops/

    They way some mainstream muslims are going on here in the UK, Islam is just a religion for causing as much pain and hurt to as many other people as possible. Is this really what majority of Pakistan think is the real Islam?

  10. February 24, 2011 2:01 am

    kya baat! great piece, just like a Modest Proposal!

  11. April 12, 2011 6:35 am

    So that’s how you treat your minorities,

    that’s how the population of Hindus in Pakistan has decresed from 20% in 1947 to 1.85% in 2009.

    and then you talk about minorities in India
    Do you have terrorist Hindu organisation ? Do you have Hindu underworld Dons?

    India has 13 terrorist organisation and Dawood Ibrahim is your son-in-law.

    If you want to kill all the Hindus then be done with it, atleast don’t kill them piece-by-piece.
    OH I forget, you believe in Halal, slow killing ..hmmm…that’s enjoyable for you Muslims

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