I <3 Ansar Abbasi
Seriously. I do. How can you not love the human embodiment of Velveteen Rabbit? ADORABLE!
He’s also a wonderful investigative journalist, and has the magical ability of being both source and writer at the same time. This is a talent that most investigative journalists in the world would die for. I can just smell Rauf Klasra’s skin singeing from envy at the thought of Ansar Abbasi’s gifts.
Ansar Abbasi has decided that enough is enough and something must be done, once and for all, about the scourge of Fashion Week in Pakistan. All believers know that this is the only problem plaguing our society today. Now that we’ve rid ourselves of the Christian threat (blasphemy, what?), the Ahmadi threat (attacks on their mosques, w00t!), and the Indian threat (nukes, bitches!), all that’s left for us to deal with is Fashion Week.
In a column he penned for Jang, Ansar Abbasi has come out fully in support of Islam and entirely against the evils of skin. He has implored our opposition to come to the rescue of Islam.
“Imran Khan!” he asks, “where are you?” Oh Ansar, I feel your pain.
“Chaudhry Nisar!” he laments, “how could you?” For true, Ansar, for true. How could he?
“Munawwar Hassan!” he cries, “et tu, Brute?” I, too, am most upset at Munawwar Hassan. The Jamaat is no longer what it once was. It rails against Ahmadis, Americans, and Indians. Not attacking Fashion Week must mean that you’re going soft.
I, too, am scared for my children growing up in a culture where they can readily switch the television on and be forced to come face to face with a NAVEL. How will I ever explain to them what a shoulder is? The mere sight of an elbow might cause them to go down a dangerous path of drugs and alcohol. And breasts. My dear lord, breasts! Those tools of the devil. God didn’t create breasts, Satan added them to Eve once she was banished from Eden. Prior to that she was flat as a board.
I, too, demand that Chief Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry take immediate suo moto notice of this vulgarity. I demand it be removed from Pakistan before it engulfs all our strategic assets, and the Taliban begin to worry more about this season’s turbans than their piety.
And Karachi? KARACHI? As Ansar says, you’re an educated city. WHERE ARE THE PEACFUL PROTESTS? Why are you not going on a million man march to protest fashion week? Are you scared of the Taliban? They are our brothers. Dying at their hands is a mercy God bestows upon a small but quickly growing number. Unlike these fashion people. Their peaceful promotion of chiffon and organza is an affront to our society. We are a khaddar wearing people. Never forget.