Fun Times with Our Brothers
Apparently it’s Houbara Bustard hunting season again (Thanks to @tazeen @shahidsaeed @mypplwannajump for the link). The Houbara is seasonally hunted by the rich and influential of the Persian Gulf monarchies, who fly out to Pakistan with their guns in anticipation of a very trigger-happy ten days. Just one problem: the Houbara Bustard is critically endangered. One more problem: The UAE has actually banned the hunting of the Houbara on their own land. But, hunting it in Pakistan? No problem. (Thanks again to @mypplwannajump for the link.)
This is not the first time that licenses have been doled out to Persian Gulf Arabs for the purpose of Houbara hunting. Every year a number of licenses are handed out to our Arab brothers so they may come and further destroy our already precariously perched ecology. What’s surprising to me is the complete lack of breathless media reports on how we’re selling our country out to satisfy the whims of foreigners.
Try and imagine the kind of media coverage this issue would get if, say, the licenses were handed out to Americans every year.
This got me thinking. What kind of things could our Arab brethren do and get away with? Let’s find out.
Sufi Shrine Drone Strikes FOR FUN!
While sitting in the comfort of their palatial mansions in the desert our Arab brothers would control drones, with catchy names such as “Wahabbi Kebabi” and “Salafistan: The New Pakistan”, to hit various Sufi shrines across the country. There would obviously a price to pay – after all, there’s a finite number of shrines in the country. The drones must be painted in the Islamic green so that we don’t get confused with the white American ones. Those are worthy of outrage.
Typical Media Report: Once again our Arab brothers have ensured that we eliminate the scourge of Hindu influence from our culture. The Saudi drone “Bitchin’ Bakistan” has cleanly hit the Mian Mir Mazaar in Lahore. The singing and dancing charlatans in the shrine have been eliminated and this final bastion of idol worship in our beautiful Arab imported Islam has been destroyed.
Aur ab khel ki taraf.
Conditional Aid Packages FOR FUN!
Our very generous brothers from Arabia decide it is in our best interest to get some money for development. Great, right? Except, there will be strings attached. Among others, the shalwar kameez must be replaced by the thob, all schools must be converted into Wahabi Madrassas with no government oversight, and all women must be banished to within their homes. The homes must then be bombed.
Typical Media Report: Thanks to our Arab brothers we have received a $1.5 billion per year aid package that does not impinge on our sovereignty whatsoever. After all, another Islamic nation could never dream on impinging on the other’s sovereignty. Not Pakistan in Afghanistan, not Syria in Lebanon, not Iraq in Kuwait. No. That shit don’t happen. Only the American and the Hindu impinges on Islamic sovereignty. Thanks to this aid package the Wafaq-ul-Madaris is now the second strongest institution in Jamhooriya-al-Islami-al-Bakistan. (After the great Army – that’s always number 1). The Wafaq will now raise it’s own army for the purposes of keeping our great borders safe. And to not really impinge on Afghanistan’s sovereignty.
Aur ab mausam.
No Democracy FOR FUN!
Democracy, for our brothers, is a rather dangerous idea. Think about it. You just bought yourself a fancy BMW. You bring it home. Your family decides to vote on it and gives it to your sister. Now you’re pissed off. It’s kinda like that.
Besides, aren’t all those dictators with visions of turning themselves into a modern day Islamic Conquerors so much easier to deal with?
Typica Media Report: We have finally found the system that works best for us. A hereditary system of governance whereby one self anointed pious family gets to decide everything for us! Isn’t this grand? Dude! Stop touching me. Where are you taking me? Why are you trashing the news room? No. No. Don’t shut us down! AAAAAAHHHH!
We interrupt this news bulletin for a 24 hour Alim Online marathon.