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Fun Times with Our Brothers

November 10, 2010

Apparently it’s Houbara Bustard hunting season again (Thanks to @tazeen @shahidsaeed @mypplwannajump for the link).  The Houbara is seasonally hunted by the rich and influential of the Persian Gulf monarchies, who fly out to Pakistan with their guns in anticipation of a very trigger-happy ten days. Just one  problem: the Houbara Bustard is critically endangered. One more problem: The UAE has actually banned the hunting of the Houbara on their own land. But, hunting it in Pakistan? No problem. (Thanks again to @mypplwannajump for the link.)

This is not the first time that licenses have been doled out to Persian Gulf Arabs for the purpose of Houbara hunting. Every year a number of licenses are handed out to our Arab brothers so they may come and further destroy our already precariously perched ecology. What’s surprising to me is the complete lack of breathless media reports on how we’re selling our country out to satisfy the whims of foreigners.

Try and imagine the kind of media coverage this issue would get if, say, the licenses were handed out to Americans every year.


This got me thinking. What kind of things could our Arab brethren do and get away with? Let’s find out.

Sufi Shrine Drone Strikes FOR FUN!

While sitting in the comfort of their palatial mansions in the desert our Arab brothers would control drones, with catchy names such as “Wahabbi Kebabi” and “Salafistan: The New Pakistan”, to hit various Sufi shrines across the country. There would obviously a price to pay – after all, there’s a finite number of shrines in the country. The drones must be painted in the Islamic green so that we don’t get confused with the white American ones. Those are worthy of outrage.

Typical Media Report: Once again our Arab brothers have ensured that we eliminate the scourge of Hindu influence from our culture. The Saudi drone “Bitchin’ Bakistan” has cleanly hit the Mian Mir Mazaar in Lahore. The singing and dancing charlatans in the shrine have been eliminated and this final bastion of idol worship in our beautiful Arab imported Islam has been destroyed.

Aur ab khel ki taraf.

Conditional Aid Packages FOR FUN!

Our very generous brothers from Arabia decide it is in our best interest to get some money for development. Great, right? Except, there will be strings attached. Among others, the shalwar kameez must be replaced by the thob, all schools must be converted into Wahabi Madrassas with no government oversight, and all women must be banished to within their homes. The homes must then be bombed.

Typical Media Report: Thanks to our Arab brothers we have received a $1.5 billion per year aid package that does not impinge on our sovereignty whatsoever. After all, another Islamic nation could never dream on impinging on the other’s sovereignty. Not Pakistan in Afghanistan, not Syria in Lebanon, not Iraq in Kuwait. No. That shit don’t happen. Only the American and the Hindu impinges on Islamic sovereignty. Thanks to this aid package the Wafaq-ul-Madaris is now the second strongest institution in Jamhooriya-al-Islami-al-Bakistan. (After the great Army – that’s always number 1). The Wafaq will now raise it’s own army for the purposes of keeping our great borders safe. And to not really impinge on Afghanistan’s sovereignty.

Aur ab mausam.

No Democracy FOR FUN!

Democracy, for our brothers, is a rather dangerous idea. Think about it. You just bought yourself a fancy BMW. You bring it home. Your family decides to vote on it and gives it to your sister. Now you’re pissed off. It’s kinda like that.

Besides, aren’t all those dictators with visions of turning themselves into a modern day Islamic Conquerors so much easier to deal with?

Typica Media Report: We have finally found the system that works best for us. A hereditary system of governance whereby one self anointed pious family gets to decide everything for us! Isn’t this grand? Dude! Stop touching me. Where are you taking me? Why are you trashing the news room? No. No. Don’t shut us down! AAAAAAHHHH!

We interrupt this news bulletin for a 24 hour Alim Online marathon.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. November 10, 2010 10:38 am

    lol, looks like you have seen PTV Khabarnama many a times – ab ayey khel kki taraf was a dead give away. Oh, if Arabs have their way, Alim online would be banned too. Remember, there has been incidents where Amir Liaquat recited na’ats.

  2. Kaleem Mirza permalink
    November 10, 2010 11:24 am

    As a nation we have no self repect.

  3. November 10, 2010 12:43 pm

    Kill an Arab for fun-Day?

    • Shahid permalink
      November 11, 2010 4:16 am

      I would love to participate in that.

  4. jaferii permalink
    November 11, 2010 11:00 am

    ahha this was funny.

    filled with the [valid] cultural phobias that had you labeling the joel stein piece as racist, but very creative.

    about the bird hunting by selected royal arabs, if you get past the gag reflex that occurs when you realise what our governments can do for money and how we pander to elitism in a way no one else does, and if you get past the hypocrisy of it all, there is something to be gained from it.

    first of all, i understand the meaning of critically endangered, and i understand that we are quite ignorant of dangers in the face of giving favours.

    but, when these arabs come in their gilded grand cruisers with their high tech satellite bird monitoring devices, they actually generate a great deal of income for the hundreds of people they keep in their bedouin troupes. they are also rather financially benevolent with the more backward areas of our country, where the hunt takes them to.

    it is despicable to allow a foreigner a right which you do not afford to your own citizens. it is despicable to be completely ignorant to wildlife. but if the priorities behind our decision making at the executive level were rightly aligned, even such an ignorant decision could be validated.

    animal rights are necessary, but take precedence firmly after the welfare and well being of humans.

    i hope i haven’t made a hash of what i wanted to say.

  5. umm permalink
    November 13, 2010 8:06 pm

    you do know that there are competing religious trends within Pakistan, including ones that oppose religious devotion to/through the shrines, that have nothing to do with foreign/Saudi influence? There are major Sufi trends that oppose it as well. I’m not arguing for one kind of religious belief or practice; I’m just asking you to read a couple of books on the topic before commenting on it. I think the Saudis, like Zia, have become the boogeyman and scapegoat to whom we attribute almost all our religion-related problems, assuming normal mainstream Pakistani society to be perfectly sane, cultured and peaceful. By we I refer generally to Pakistani elite English discourse, whether in private or in the news.

  6. umm permalink
    November 13, 2010 8:07 pm

    I think the double standard you point out is very revealing. You lose out on the details of the picture you paint though, even if this is a humorous piece.

  7. umm permalink
    November 13, 2010 8:12 pm

    For example, little would you know that the there isn’t one wafaqul madaris in Pakistan. There is one for the Barelvi institutions, one for the Deobandis, and one for the Ahl-e-Hadith. So if I am to run with the joke, The Saudis drone strike the shrines of the same group (the Barelvis) whose wafaq they fund? So not only are they backward and intolerant, they have bipolar disorder as well? I think jokes aren’t funny when based on inaccurate depictions that don’t even qualify to be referred to as stereotypes.

  8. umm permalink
    November 13, 2010 8:13 pm

    And the people who run Alim online are deeply opposed the “Wahabbis” and vice versa. You just ruined your own post.

  9. jaferii permalink
    November 16, 2010 2:40 pm

    i may be wrong, but Arabs don’t like handling guns, they prefer lesser nationalities to be paid to do that for them.

    what i am getting at is that the hunting of the houbara is by way of falconry; not guns.

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