Talat Hussain, You Genius You
This blog is quickly changing into an extended rant. However, when the Islamic Republic throws up cretin after cretin and provides them with substantial media space to air their views one can’t help but rant.
Talat Hussain, lovingly known as Flotzilla in some circles due to his ‘heroics’ on the Gaza Peace Flotilla, has recently penned a column in the Urdu Daily ‘Express’. The subject of this column was Angelina Jolie’s recent report to the United Nations where she calls out the Pakistani government for spending excesses at a time when Pakistan is suffering from the worst natural disaster in her history.
You’d think that Talat Hussain would be all for the statement, and he is. After all, any statement that is critical of the government (and in this case rightly so) is like manna from heaven for our Media-vallas. The route he takes to makes his point is very, very strange though. Equal parts judgmental, misogynistic, homophobic, and shallow, it is nearly impossible to understand Talat’s motivation behind constructing his argument in this way.
Let’s translate this piece into what he was really thinking for fun though:
“The famous Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie has had what one would call a very colourful life. The 36 year old actress has been through many episodes that many of her admirers (of which I am not one) constantly speak of, and others constantly think of.”
Translation: Angelina Jolie is a dirty gutter slut. She has been slutting it up for a long time. I do not find her attractive therefore I am entirely objective. However, her fans are filthy masturbators. Heh.
“At a young age Angelina Jolie’s parents got divorced and she had to go live with her mother outside the family circle. Mohtarma always hated tradition and would therefore often run away to live the life she wanted. Eventually, tiring of her myriad broken relationships she began working on stage. (It is important to note that in the United States, stage acting and prostitution are different professions.)
Translation: Now that Angelina moved into a single parent home, and that single parent happened to be a woman, she was bound to turn into a filthy whore. She fucked anything she saw moving and a sexually liberated woman naturally leaves a trail of messed up relationships. She finally found an outlet in theatre where she was able to channel her whorish ways in a more productive direction. But, Children of Pakistan™ you should not go into the theatre because here it’s just filled with prostitutes and pimps. It’s a very sad state of affairs. Let’s ban the theatre for immorality!
“Since Angelina was really not pretty at all she was unable to make much of a name for herself as an actor. If one were to see a picture of Angelina Jolie at this phase of her life one would not even look at it twice. Sunken cheeks, ugly nose, huge wild eyes, lips like a jar without a lid, no glow on her face, and no hints of youth in her body.”
Translation: I will take this occasion to perv on a young Angelina Jolie while pretending that I am actually calling her out for poor lifestyle choices. I also believe it is entirely appropriate to pass judgment on someone’s appearance, awkward teenage years or not. Also, I am fucking hot. Seen my hair lately? HOT.
“Angelina’s personal life is filled with actions that contradict the basis for morality in all societies. It is well know that she is willing to exceed any limits to get what she wants.”
Translation: When I say morality in all societies, I actually mean my own personal world view. Also, TEAM ANISTON!
Talat Says: “It is known among her closest confidantes that if there were no life sentence associated with murder, Angelina would gladly kill any man or woman who stands in her way, because mercy is not one of her qualities.”
Translation: Approaching the middle of the column, people are now skimming instead of reading, let’s just start making shit up.
“Besides being involved with men to further her career, Angelina Jolie also enjoys loving women (Yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking.)”
Translation: What is this sensation in my pants? Down. DOWN! Fuck. Now I have to go wuzu.
“According to a recent news report Angelina Jolie considers herself an expert in Sapphic love and considers it among her best life experiences. According to her, only a woman can know another woman’s sensitivities. A man, no matter how hard he tries, cant never reach the level a woman can.”
Translation: LOLZ! Look at this dumb bitch. She thinks a man can’t do what a woman can? She clearly hasn’t met the great Talat Hussain. Not that I do, um, those things.
“To remove attention from her dark episodes, Angelina Jolie has adopted multi-coloured children to mould herself into the paragon of mercy and maternal instincts.”
Translation: Using the term ‘rang barangay’ for people is not racist at all.
“Angelina has such tremendous PR that the United Nations appointed her as a Goodwill Ambassador. What special education she has to receive this post is unknown to me. Her life story does not show any experience with international affairs.”
Translation: Even though the UNHCR Goodwill Ambassador position is one given to celebrities so they can use their talent and fame to advocate for refugees I just can’t help myself from casting aspersions on this woman. I would really like this gig though. I have enough morality to save the entire world. Who called me a douche?
“This woman does not pass any tests of Eastern values. Take a look at Article 62 and 63 of the Pakistani constitution. We put great value on good behaviour, following Islamic traditions, refraining from grave sins, etc. People like Angelina Jolie, whether they be Muslim or Non-Muslim, should be given no honour at all. If Angelina Jolie had spoken of her deeds as a Pakistani she would have been stoned to death infinite times.”
Translation: I’m about to apply the Pakistani constitution that I follow in letter and spirit on this woman. I have decided that she cannot possibly pass these tests because she is an ambitious, sexual woman who has adopted multiple children. She needs to die. The end.
“However, even this woman seeped in Western values is cultured enough to point out the excesses of the Pakistani government in her report to the United Nations. She pointed out the lavish feast prepared for her at the Prime Minister’s and his family flew in on their private jet to meet her and present her with gifts. How is it possible that this actress seems worth honouring more than her Pakistani hosts? Who knows if her hosts learned a thing or two from her?”
Translation: I can’t even see straight right now as I approach my government bashing climax. Do you not see government? DO YOU NOT SEE? Even this horrid woman has the ability to tell right from wrong! Even she can construct a rational argument pointing out your inefficacies! HAHAHAHAH. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. You idiots. Even a woman showed you.
Signing off, all I have to say is this: Talat Hussain is a moron.