Did you hear? Everything’s going to be alright now. We won’t go to sleep fearing terrorist attacks anymore. The Taliban hordes have been stopped dead in their tracks in Pakhtunkhwa. The economy will soon recover and we’ll all have three split air conditioners and two refrigerators in our homes. Our lands will double their yields and farmers all around the country will soon be catapulted into the middle income group. Women in France will finally be able to wear the burqa without fear.
Now that Ashfaq Parvez Kiyani is going to be Chief of Army Staff for three more years, everything’s going to be alright.
General Kiyani’s done a cracking job as Chief of Staff. He hasn’t interfered in the civilian set-up one bit and has decided to end this whole good and bad Taliban nonsense. He’s extended the olive branch to India and flies on a gaggle of white doves that shit peace all over Pakistan. Most importantly, the man rolls his own cigarettes. Good job Gen K! Sticking it to big tobacco like that!
How could you not extend this man’s tenure? He has gone above and beyond his responsibilities by not carrying out a coup. This makes him the most responsible Chief of Staff since 1999.
In his honour I advocate patting other people on the back for excellence in their particular fields.
For telling it like it is and not mincing his words, I commend our chief diplomat Shah Mehmood Qureshi. As reward for his childish outburt after SM Krishna schooled him in diplomacy, SMQ should also be given the Minister of Information position. He can hone his accent and get all outburst-y with India on a daily basis this way. Besides, Kaira sucks and you’ll finally have an excuse to get rid of him. Just tell him you’re scared SMQ will start blaming you for taking phone calls from your boss.
For ensuring that the Pakistan People’s Party wins the next election and sheds its dark reputation of corruption, I commend Babar Awan. As a gift he should be given a fake degree from a real college. Come on Babar, Monticello U? Really? Amateur.
For being at the forefront of the war on terror and ensuring the Punjab’s protection, I commend Rana Sanaullah. For his efforts he should be made spiritual leader of the Sipah-e-Sahaba. Also, please ensure that he is provided with sufficient Kalakola for his moustache. A man with a grey moustache is as powerless as a woman. And we know how the Sipah-e-Sahaba feels about them.
For having stemmed Pakistan’s population growth and leading the back-channel talks with India, I commend Firdaus Ashiq Awan. As reward, she should be given a golden crown akin to the one she gave Shoaib Malik. She shall henceforth be referred to as Malika Firdaus, or “Pakistan Ki Apni Shehzadi”. Not referring to her by those monikers will result in grave punishment.
Finally, for being so good at understanding the internets, I commend the Lahore High Court. As reward, please provide Khawaja Sharif with a lifetime of botis and mithai boxes. Please sign them as having come from Nawaz Sharif’s personal cows and mithai factories. He doesn’t like gifts if they don’t come from his favourites.