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Oh, Ali Azmat

June 22, 2010

Raise your hand if you loved Junoon. You know the band that made great music, sometimes borrowing Sufi poetry for lyrics? Weren’t they good?

Now raise your hand if you liked Ali Azmat. He of the long curly locks and exemplary vocals. Wasn’t he good?

Now, raise your hand if you ever wanted a member from a music group, known more for his hair than his brain to ever dabble in political analysis? No? Right.

Unfortunately, for all involved, Ali Azmat has decided that a cursory glance at the Bilderberg Group’s Wikipedia entry is reason enough for him to pontificate endlessly. The crazy he spouts makes the Jamaat-e-Islami look like the world’s greatest logicians and makes me want to watch hours of Hamid Mir to remove its memory.

Ali Azmat, please shut the fuck up.

We know, we know. You’re tight with Zaid Hamid. He’s brilliant right? The greatest mind of our times in Pakistan? Unveiling endless covert threats to Pakistan on the basis of his thorough review of The Arrivals and Zeitgeist documentaries on YouTube, Zaid Hamid is indeed a legend.  Perched atop a mountain of bullshit so high it makes cows everywhere blush for their digestive shortcomings, Zaid Hamid is a legend. I’m glad that his cynical plan of self promotion is working so well, since you are the highest profile dropping on which Zaid Hamid rests his behind.

So, Ali Azmat, please shut the fuck up.

Really, Ali Azmat, seeing you on that Dawn News show with Aasim Sajjad was painful. You are inexplicably stupid. You make Imran Khan look like a neuroscientist and George W. Bush could probably run circles around in the SAT’s critical reading portion. To illustrate, allow me to reproduce a conversation you had:

Ali Azmat: “My areas of expertise – on which I’ve done a lot of research (read: have watched many YouTube videos on) – are the New World Order, Military Complex, Bilderberg Group, UN (WTF?). And I always keep an eye out for these things.”

Aasim Sajjad: “So you’re against the Military Complex? Even though you support military intervention in Pakistan? Don’t you think they have a massive complex?”


Me: Ali Azmat, please shut the fuck up.

Ali Azmat, you are not a political analyst. You shoud not be a political analyst. In fact, you make all the idiots in Pakistan, who decide one fine day that they are political / constitutional / defence / culture analysts, look really really good.

You can barely string an argument together without looking like the veins in your neck are about to pop out. You can’t answer a simple question because you want everyone to know that you know about the New World Order. You really, really, want to hate on democracy by using Musharraf (FFS!) as your counterpoint. You want people to believe that you have something valid to say when Zaid Hamid says the same shit, says it better, and honestly is far more entertaining than you are now.

Most insulting of all though, you want to claim that having grown up with a Suzuki car and one air conditioner in your house makes your representative of Pakistan’s poor. Ali Azmat, more than 30% of Pakistan’s people live below the poverty line. Your Suzuki and one air conditioner would be positively decadent for them.

So, Ali Azmat, please, please, shut the fuck up.

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47 Comments leave one →
  1. June 22, 2010 7:53 pm

    Wow, ranting ftw. I loved this post though. I have my own reasons but mostly because, like you said, Ali Azmat is not a political analyst and his ‘profound knowledge and expertise’ related to the New World Order is so pathetic, it makes me wince. Honestly, his credibility falls down to level zero as soon as he mentions his devotion for Zaid Hamid’s WTF-inducing beliefs.

    So, I guess yeah, he should shut the fuck up. Great read, Kalaay Kawaay.

  2. Ugly Shoelace permalink
    June 22, 2010 7:59 pm

    what a bummer.

  3. June 22, 2010 8:09 pm

    Well I oonly heard of Ali’s ideological leaning towards Mr. Hamid but never managed to look the videos up. But he was such a bag full of douchbags. Mr. Azmat, sing me a song instead, please!

  4. Razes permalink
    June 22, 2010 8:10 pm

    “Zaid Hamid says the same shit, says it better, and honestly is far more entertaining than you are now”


  5. Fasiha permalink
    June 22, 2010 9:48 pm

    Oh, so Ali Azmat is not political analyst … and you are. Right? Ali Azmat has absolutely NO right to tell (or yell) what he thinks of something/someone and you have every right in the world to express that who talks shit and who needs to shut up? Where’s your “Freedom of Expression” thing now? It’s for the losers only, like yourself? You can bash anyone in public but you’re offended when someone talks against your point of view? Give it a second though, the piece of crap that you have written here.

    • June 22, 2010 9:57 pm

      Oh, he has a right to say whatever the hell he wants to. And I have just as much right to say that what he’s saying is absolute, unadulterated shit.

      Just like you have the right to come here and bash me. See how that works? Ain’t it great?

      Also, there’s just a tiny difference between my mouthing off on a blog, and him going on national television and making a mockery of himself. No?

      • Fasiha permalink
        June 22, 2010 10:13 pm

        So, he has the right to say whatever he wants to, whether it makes sense or not, whether its in favor of democracy or is against it, whether you like it or not and you are no-one to deny him the right of freedom of expression that you do when you say “shut the fuck up”, and ranting “you’re not a political analyst” is a lame lame excuse to deny him his right to express.

        And that’s what you call summing it up in one line 🙂

      • June 22, 2010 10:23 pm

        Oh miss. Your pithy wit has no match. Praising oneself on a blog comment is the height of excellence.

        Actually, maybe just slightly, wouldn’t you say that someone like him who has clearly done little in the way of actual research (despite his claims), shouldn’t be doing political analysis? It’s one thing to construct an argument that makes sense, it’s something completely different to just make stuff up as you go. My telling him to shut the fuck up (unfortunately) won’t make it a reality. His views are fine (if crazy), his argument is just illogical. He, himself, can’t gather his thoughts properly.

        My purpose here is really altruistic. He should stop making a fool of himself.

  6. June 22, 2010 10:18 pm

    mera ek sawal hai…

    Fasiha ko ghussa kyun ata hai?

    • June 23, 2010 12:31 am

      kyun kay yay cigarette naheen peeti. (oh someone just had to say this)

      • Buzzy permalink
        June 23, 2010 7:05 am

        @Umair – HAHAHA!!

        @Kala Kawa – Well said buddy. It is refreshing to see people out there who are still willing to call a spade a spade.. I personally think Ali has devolved in to a complete fucktard and is an embarrassment to Pakistan. Pl Note that Ali Azmat is following a trend that all Pakistani super stars do once they are over the hill. Rather than retiring gracefully, they insist on making public spectacles of themselves in unimaginably embarrassing ways, hoping for more time in front of the cameras. A quest for relevance perhaps? There is no way in hell he takes what he says seriously. Either that or hes on crack.

        On a side note, its scary how a rising number of people actually subscribe to these crackpot theories, especially when they are espoused by stars that people look up to!

      • June 24, 2010 3:09 am


    • sAm permalink
      June 23, 2010 1:50 am

      Kion kay…”saas bhi kabhi bahu thi”
      (oh someone just had to say this too) 😀

  7. Waqas permalink
    June 23, 2010 4:05 am

    Completely agree – he is not a political analyst. Ditto for Fasi Zakas and Nadeem Farooq Parachas of this world. And Zaid Hamid. All of them need to stop.

    • Razes permalink
      June 23, 2010 6:55 am

      Exactly what qualifications are required for a political analyst? One thing is for sure, you shouldn’t be called a political analyst if your source of research is a couple of youtube videos and a website run by a psycotic who thinks that everything in the world is a conspiracy.

    • nasser permalink
      June 24, 2010 4:42 am

      And you too.
      Great post KK.

    • nasser permalink
      June 24, 2010 4:43 am

      The post was @ Waqas.

  8. June 23, 2010 7:47 am

    My personal favorite line in the entire post,

    “Perched atop a mountain of bullshit so high it makes cows everywhere blush for their digestive shortcomings..”

    I feel explains everything.

  9. June 23, 2010 10:04 am

    I watched a clipping of this show….Its even better than the time they put Pervez Hoodbhoy and Shireen Mazari’s teenage daughter on the same panel

  10. ChUmerInam permalink
    June 23, 2010 12:32 pm

    @ Mehreen Kasana, do u not think u r speaking too much abt my this frnd ali azmat, never mind up and downs r the part of life, so dont criticize him too much………………….

    • June 23, 2010 12:36 pm

      No one’s criticizing him for ups and downs in one’s life. That’s basis for sympathy and empathy.

      Your friend Ali Azmat is simply an idiot. That’s all.

      • July 20, 2010 10:54 am

        Wait, wait. Waaaaaaaaait. Wait a fucking minute. Someone followed ME to YOUR blog to advise me regarding my caustic opinion of ALI AZMAT?

        DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME THIS MAKES YOU AND ME AND NOT ALI AZMAT? This is why I love the Pakistani blogosphere.

    • July 27, 2010 3:43 pm

      Ali used to be my friend, but despite the fact that I am a woman, it seems I have much bigger balls for standing up to him once he started to do this bullshit. So if you’re STILL friends with him (assuming you’re either one of his sycophants or teenage sluts), then you’re also still an idiot. KalaKawa spot on! But I’ve been saying this about Ali for a while: “one cannot have a battle of the wits with the witless.” He is a brainwashed Zaidist. Btw he can’t define Zionism…

  11. shakir permalink
    June 23, 2010 12:42 pm

    great post and spot on.
    @M – Shireen Mazari actually procreated. good god! please post a link of the “interview”

  12. June 23, 2010 5:44 pm

    ahaha!! Absolutely loved it!!

  13. Ali Malik permalink
    June 23, 2010 11:03 pm

    I completely disagree with what Ali Azmat has to say. However, he is famous and was invited by the TV channel to express his views because SOME people DO want to hear what he has to say. He has every right to say what he wants. If you don’t like it, change the channel.

    He goes on TV because he has millions of followers just like you write whatever you want on here (and tell people to shut the FUCK up) with 100s of followers.

    Who gives you the right to determine who is and who isn’t a political analyst? Can’t every Pakistani analyze the situation we are in in our country and form an opinion?

    I may disagree with Ali Azmat and may find it ridiculous that you will dedicate time talking about people in this manner, but I won’t tell you to zip it. Be a little more tolerant and less abusive. Allow freedom of speech.

    • jess permalink
      June 24, 2010 3:18 pm

      “He has every right to say what he wants. If you don’t like it, change the channel.”

      malik sahib,
      if this is how your line of reasoning goes: then stop reading the post and don’t comment. who has given you the right to tell someone that they cannot decide who is a political analyst? fyi: some of us can actually tell a political analyst from the backside of an ass.

      please allow freedom of speech, which, by the way, includes freedom to criticize another person’s right to be a political analyst.

      ali azmat, you can safely shut the fuck up now. like forever.

      wasti sahib, thank you for the entertainment.

    • July 27, 2010 3:46 pm

      You need to look up the definition of freedom of speech. And Ali has fine tuned the art of excreting from one’s mouth and eating from one’s anus it seems. What he states with full confidence is called hate speech based on LIES more often than not. Freedom of speech does NOT include causing riots, propaganda, preying on ignorant people and their fear.

      Oh, and hello pot. Are you calling the kettle, kalakawa, black?

  14. June 24, 2010 1:02 am

    Man, and I thought he was amazing. He was indeed, and we all thought he was wild when he had long hair and smoked up…but he’s definitely gotta be smoking some combination really out of this world to be in this current state (bets on whether Zaid Hamid gave him the date rape drug after one of their shows one night?)

    Please stick to what you do best. Try going back to Coke Studio and making some great music. (*sees the Coca Cola logo reflected in a mirror*) Oh sorry, my bad. Coke is anti Islam. Down with coke.

    But weren’t you smoking some?

    • July 27, 2010 3:48 pm

      In public he’ll yell about Islam, talk about how alcohol is haraam, but kiss his ass enough and he’ll invite you over, provide you with alcohol, drugs and little girls to abuse and exploit. Frankly, I think he should be put back on heavy doses of hash so he stays tripped out and silent!

  15. Voluntarily Displaced permalink
    June 24, 2010 2:45 am

    Great Post!

    Please write something about Hamid Mir too and all other so called political talk show hosts who present themselves as champions of the rights of the people of pakistan yet so incredulously give massive projection to the ever lying and deceiving politicians on petty issues yet always brush under the carpet basic issues such as inflation infrastructure, utilities and hoarding of everyday items by those same politicians,

  16. June 25, 2010 12:31 am

    Loved it!!!

    Ali Azmat AND his supporters, please shut the fuck up!

  17. Syed Murtaza Ali Jafri permalink
    June 25, 2010 5:16 pm

    LOL. Awesome entertainment. Ali Azmat was fine, the black crow was just better >_>

    And Ali if you are wondering what went wrong for you to receive some hearty STFUs from this random corner was … Ali Azmat: “My areas of expertise – on which I’ve done a lot of research (read: have watched many YouTube videos on) – are the New World Order, Military Complex, Bilderberg Group, UN (WTF?). And I always keep an eye out for these things.” errm, yeah this bit, most probably.

    I am going to recommend, using I think and in my opinion, and when you are not sure about the territory, in my humble opinion which could be wrong …. umm and the likes. Let the point stand on its own or own it yourself. Shitty inspirations kinda line you up with the flock which could taint the picture you are trying to paint .. and stuff .. freedom of speech, lol, freedom of speech on the internet! Are you serious, who brought THAT up? 😉

  18. July 1, 2010 7:12 am

    This is epic. Loved the way it’s written. Being an Indian with no access to Pakistani TV shows, I can only visualise what might have happened.

    Have heard about Zaid Hamid though and really think Ali Azmat should have just stayed away from politics. It’s either he wants to get into it or want some attentions. Don’t know if former will happen, but the later, surely is happening. He is getting all what I think he wanted.

    But nonetheless, epic ranting! 😉

  19. Ali permalink
    July 6, 2010 8:48 pm

    I think that Ali, like many other Pakistani celebrities (most notably his ex-bandmate Salman Ahmad), is going through a midlife crisis and has decided that “now that I have had all the fun I wanted, I will try to benefit my society by making them aware… and getting a few thousand rupees for appearing on political talk shows along the way”.

    As much as I like Ali as an artist (at least so far up till Klashinfolk), the guy really needs to stick to music – if he wants to express his views through music, that’s all fine with me as long as the music is good, but he really shouldn’t be calling himself a “political analyst”. I’m also afraid that now the Zaid Hamid influence will show through in his music and it will go downhill – hopefully that doesn’t happen. Also, I agree fully with the comments that someone has been watching too many YouTube documentaries.

    In other news, Salman Ahmad is now trying to sell the whole Sufi idea in the West with his horrendous voice now that he has no career left in Pakistan post-Junoon (mainly because he can’t sing to save his life). What a sad end to such a great band like Junoon – Brian had some decency and went into obscurity in the US.

  20. sunny permalink
    July 8, 2010 1:40 am

    Dear K,
    I really respect what you said. it took me a few days to digest that this guy sang sayonni and we loved him. I am glad to hear all the moderate voices and feel there is hope for humanity with people who use their brains to think like you have. Not work on borrowed ideologies and flawed ideas. I love poetry and write poetry but it was written by lovers and crazy people that loved life and not exploited by nutters. Well Done K.

  21. July 8, 2010 6:23 pm

    Hahaha!! Brilliant post!! Loved it. Ali Azmat needs to concentrate more on his songs, which increasingly reek of a dumb idiot having chanced upon half-a-theory of bullshit. So yep, even his bullship is invalid and comparatively, Zaid Hamid is far too good at it 😀

  22. Uzma permalink
    July 15, 2010 9:56 am

    Very funny and true . Ali Azmat should shut up !!
    Don’t like your reference to Imran Khan. Come on !

  23. July 16, 2010 2:23 pm

    All i want is a sample of what he smokes 🙂

    Ali’s in a world of his own making haha

  24. Satrangi permalink
    July 16, 2010 3:57 pm

    At last Pakistan won first position in the world.

  25. July 23, 2010 9:55 am

    Quite a nice “akhaara” this post has become 😛 Frankly speaking I never liked junoon. No offence to poeple who like Junoon though.

  26. July 23, 2010 10:41 am

    Anyone who takes Zaid Hamid speeches as epiphanies is a douchebag.


  27. Doctor permalink
    September 5, 2010 12:40 pm

    jab aik banda kawa hon awar phir kala hon, tho us kay aqal ki ham kya taqaqoo kar saktay hay. gaddar kalay kaway kay bacchay, tho mujay indian lagtha hay, sala harami, ali azmat jo koi bhi maharay mulk pakistan ka aik azad shehri hay, our agar pakistani tallent ko promote nahi karsaktay to phir indian kalay kawoon, kalay gorillon ki tarah batay na karna,
    so shut the fuck off mother fucker black gorilla.

  28. Qasim permalink
    October 6, 2010 8:44 am

    For all the eloquent and varied colorful insults you heaped on the bloke, you did not once address the points he was making and fundamentally WHY or WHERE you disagree with it. I for one, would love to know where you differ.

    One major point he made was that he did not believe in democracy. I’ve seen Ali Azmat talk elsewhere, his fundamental point is, that when everyone has one vote, the jahil masses with the highly entrenched chawdrys, thugs which have been on top for centuries, always get elected. And then they run the place into the ground. All over the world, democracy runs things into the ground. In every society, the well-informed people who actually are capable and worthy of making informed decisions(especially decisions of HUGE consequence, such as, who gets to run the country), are outnumbered by the masses who are easily fooled. Promise them a roti, kapra, and a makaan and they’ll elect you everytime. I think that argument has merit, and I would have liked to hear you critique Ali Azmat’s argument on it’s merits.

    One other major point he made, was into *conspiracy theory* stuff. Case in point, he said that these Pakistani taliban have klashinfolk AK-47s, ammo, everything, and he was suggesting that India and/or the US do that. Now think about that point for a second, we have thousands of people who fight pitched battles against the Army. These thousands of militants need to be clothed, equipped, and well-supplied. These thousands of people need to be fed three times a day; that takes ALOT of supplies, takes a steady and unbroken supply line. Simply labelling anyone who asks these questions as a “conspiracy theorist” does not answer the fundamental questions here. The fundamental question that really unravels the official story here is: WHERE do the militants get their supplies. They are better equipped than the Pakistani army, they have better weapons, high-frequency jamming-resistant communication radios, I didn’t know Ratheon USA had set up shop in waziristan.. They get these supplies from Afghanistan.

    Would love to hear you logically discuss this, rather than be all melodramatic about it. I think Ali Azmat is a brave person, most people like to cow-tow to the official line, and are afraid to state their opinions if they differ from the official story. They want to fit in. Atleast he had the courage to say what he believed in. Also, you misquoted the bloke – when the Professor asked about Pakistan’s “massive complex”, Ali Azmat didn’t reply “WOULD YOU RATHER VOTE FOR THE PAKISTANI ARMY OR THE INDIAN ARMY”. He said that much later. I like your blog, it always cheers me up. Please do not misquote other people or take things out of context to serve your conclusions, it’s dishonest and makes you look like you have some agenda, even if you just made a mistake.

  29. name permalink
    April 3, 2011 3:07 pm

    Ali Azmat just like you has the RIGHT to his opinions on anything be it
    politics or cricket or art.
    Putting down another persons RIGHT to speak tells people to shut
    up and obey what they are being told.
    Regardless of what Ali thinks – by speaking out he is allowing
    others who have other opinions to speak out as well.


  1. Ali Azmat > Imran Khan. « News You Can't Use!

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