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PaaBANdi

May 20, 2010

Or: Other Things Pakistan Should Ban

In the wake of the “Draw Mohammad Day” campaign, the Lahore High Court (LHC) ruled to ban Facebook in Pakistan. For reasons unclear to me (but I am sure they are really quite sound reasons), the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority (PTA) has extended the ban to YouTube, Wikipedia, and Flickr.

Millions of Pakistani teenagers are staring blankly at their computer screens. The glare of the sun too much for them to handle, they are now stuck inside their houses with no direction and no goals.

Perfect, I say! This will be a great time to turn Pakistan’s hedonistic teenagers into wonderful Soldiers of God. Banning roughly 25% of Pakistan’s web traffic has been a splendid inaugural event. Let’s ban some more stuff, and let’s get some Mullahs to approve the bans. Fun, fun, fun.

1) Co-Education

Institutions of learning that allow the two genders to mix have been a terrible innovation in Pakistan. Universities such as LUMS and Aga Khan fill terrible ideas in our children’s minds: women’s emancipation, gender equality, other religions, non-propaganda history. This must be stopped at once. Some brave LUMS girl started the process when she blew the whistle on LUMS’ revolting PDA culture. We will complete her mission and remove all decadent thought from our universities. Too bad she won’t be able to experience it though. Co-education is, after all, very haraam.

Mullah Proclamation: “The Prophet said one should go all the way to China to receive education. We’re practically at the doorstep anyway, so we’re half there, hain? Let’s drop the women half.”

2) Restaurants

Restaurants are the devil’s seed taking brick-and-mortar form in our world. These establishments allow young, unrelated men and women to mingle. They observe one another masticating with lust. This is disgusting, feral behaviour. It is an abhorrent perversion of our culture, where we have always eaten together as a family within the confines of our homes. This ban is for the sake of our children: THEY MUST NEVER LEARN ABOUT SEX! And restaurants in Pakistan today are the same as bathhouses in New York in the 70s.

Mullah Proclamation: “In the days of the Prophet, they used to get so hungry they tied big-ass boulders to their stomachs. What’s shutting down a few restaurants, hain? Kids will eat at home. It will strengthen the family. Mashallah.”

3) Cricket

Because it might be the only way to make Pakistan stop losing.

Mullah Proclamation: “We have been advocating the ban of Cricket ever since our players started using shoes with green soles. We’re not quite sure how, but having green for the colour of your soles is blasphemous.”

4) Pornography

Look at these children. Look at how shocked they are. This kind of shock is only possible when one is exposed to a pair of boobs. Look at this picture, and tell me pornography isn’t bad. Those children are scarred. Do you want Pakistan’s children to be scarred too? Let’s save them when we still can.

Mullah Proclamation: “Of course pornography should be banned. We have done extensive research on this. Our entire mental capacity is focused on sex.”

5) Online Gaming

With most of the trafficked internet in Pakistan banned, we can wean our children off the internet for good. We should ban any online video games to stop our children from cavorting on the internet and using undecipherable terms such as “sux0r”, “n00b”, and “pwned”. They might even pick up a book (but we’re gonna ban some of those too) and learn something. No. More. Games.

Mullah Proclamation: “Video games glorify violence and desensitize young boys on violence towards women. We have no problem with that.”

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. May 20, 2010 12:12 pm

    lol dude, don’t give them ideas! they might just do all that!

  2. aeymon permalink
    May 20, 2010 12:15 pm

    not only facebook … now youtube, flickr and wikipedia is also banned….
    facebook ban was a good decision but blocking youtube, flickr and wikipedia is uncomprehesible !!

    • May 20, 2010 12:17 pm

      That’s the thing though. If you let them ban one thing, you allow them to ban anything else on the same grounds. No censorship ever.

  3. Sheikh Yerbooty permalink
    May 20, 2010 12:25 pm

    funny stuff.

  4. May 20, 2010 3:55 pm

    LOL @ ‘let’s drop the women half’!!

  5. Sadaf permalink
    May 20, 2010 4:49 pm

    Good piece:::: Why dont they ban other un _islamic content? Why FB and flickr and wikipedia//seems some conspiracy…. PTA didnt block pages having Salman Rushdies content.. why blocked FB? puh

  6. humza ikram permalink
    May 20, 2010 7:12 pm

    loved it .

  7. Syed Khurram permalink
    May 20, 2010 11:56 pm

    Dude!!! you need to get some life…….

    • May 21, 2010 10:28 am

      How much life?

    • Sheikh Yerbooty permalink
      May 21, 2010 10:29 am

      the author’s capable of expressing sound opinions in a way that makes people laugh – i wouldn’t call that a life wasted.

  8. imran permalink
    May 21, 2010 5:20 am

    it was a bit harsh…do remember the ban was ordered by the courts n not in the request of mullahs but by some lawyers

    • May 21, 2010 10:11 am

      Really? Did you know it was the Jamat-e-Islami’s lawyer wing the “Islamic Lawyers Forum” that put in the petition?

      • Saif permalink
        May 21, 2010 4:15 pm

        Yeah but they didn’t order some dictator to arbitrarily issue a firman.

        They petitioned the court’s system, which is the sovereign right of any individual or group of citizens.

      • May 21, 2010 5:18 pm

        Completely agreed. I was just saying that its absolutely clear that Mullahs aided the ban.

      • Saif permalink
        May 21, 2010 5:36 pm

        Oh yeah, sorry, I mis-read your comment.

        I think all things being equal, the High Court completely overstepped its authority.

        No Pakistani Court has the right under section 295c to order a ban on a foreign corporation’s product. The language is clear in that it defines the purview of the courts in this matter to apply only to individuals, or groups of individuals, within their jurisdiction.

        All of these sites are completely out of their jurisdiction, and there is no Judicial precedent they can use to justify expanding their judgements to encompass entities that clearly weren’t intended when the ordinance was first added to the code.

        All that remains is for someone to appeal the ruling to a higher court, and hope the Supremes rule to limit their own authority. (good luck)

  9. May 21, 2010 12:00 pm

    hahahhahahaah i cant stop laughing!!

  10. May 22, 2010 9:57 pm

    I was a bit offended that my mujrah-laden blog was not banned! I feel inadequate! I think we should work hard enough to get our blogs banned by the LHC! I crave notoriety!

    Good stuff!🙂

  11. Maham S permalink
    May 30, 2010 2:44 pm

    Banning FB is only a very valid and logical thing to do. I dont know whats all the hooohaaa about it?! Come’on we have existed without fb too so stop whinning. If only thing we should do about it is come out with your own pakistani networking site in same capacity.

    Yes, i do wonder why wikipedia or flickr were banned. No idea about that. As for youtube, i guess it was banned for same reason like fb— having disrespectful stuff against our religion and beliefs.

    And yes as much as i am use to of using fb too, i think it should be banned for good BECAUSE they didnt 1) bother to ban the disrespectful material and went ahead with the contest & 2) they have earlier been sensitive to diff socities/religions feelings then why give us a cold shoulder?!.

  12. sAm permalink
    June 4, 2010 1:56 am

    Dear Kalakawa🙂

    Your blog is right on the money. Specially liked the “Our entire mental capacity is focused on sex.” Good satire. Keep up the good work🙂

    @ dishoomdishoom: “Oyeth” don’t ever get yourself banned. I like your blogs. It will be a dull day to know that “Suha Jora” likes won’t be available in PK…”innit”😀

    @ Maham: If you don’t “hate” me (and label me infidel), i will disagree (me so afraid) with your “very valid and logical” argument in favor of banning FB. So, as per your argument, if we can continue our existence without a certain thing, its OK to ban/boycott it? How about cars, PC, mobile, tractor, airplane etc etc. We can “exist” without all of ’em cant we? My question at this point is: Who gives the right to you/mulla/laywers or for that matter anyone to decide if I can exist without something or not. Or more so, to decide if i want to boycott that “thing” or not. We all may not like what FB supported on 20th may, but the choice of using FB or not should be personal🙂

    • Maham S permalink
      June 12, 2010 9:49 am

      I am sorry sir but you are not making any sense. If it was left for us to make our choices then next what i wl get to hear is that why put someone behind bars for a murder?! its their choice to take revenge the way they want. Huh. That’s kinda stupid if u ask me.

      I never said just cuz we can exist without a thing its ok to get rid of it. NO! If someone or something has disresepcted you and your beliefs, its just not normal atleast for me to give any place to it in my life except if it was air i need to breath and so on. LOL. Seriously! It’s just facebook…..and even if it was something more imp it would still depend on the person what their preference is, respect or fun?! Your choice too so as you wish i just presented my point of view.

      • June 1, 2011 12:52 am

        Wow. Okay, here goes. (It’s hypothetical, of course)
        .
        I’m a kafir polytheist from the 7 th or 8 th century Arabia. Me & my ancestors & my brethren had 300+ idols (at a place known as Kaabah at Mecca in Arabia) & we love & respect each one of them so much. Remember we polythiests & our friends Pagans & Jews & Xians – we have lived *for-ever* in Arabia & the Mecca & the Kaaba are OURS & only OURS.
        .
        What gave some *person* of the 7th century to break our idols & disrespect our belief & faith? I’m fairly certain who that *person* is – and I definitely had some very specific choice words to describe that *person* (but I dare not – lest I affect your Islamic sensibilities).
        .
        Answer that, sil vous plait.
        .
        MN

  13. June 14, 2010 9:03 am

    that was v funny

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