Or: Other Things Pakistan Should Ban
In the wake of the “Draw Mohammad Day” campaign, the Lahore High Court (LHC) ruled to ban Facebook in Pakistan. For reasons unclear to me (but I am sure they are really quite sound reasons), the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority (PTA) has extended the ban to YouTube, Wikipedia, and Flickr.
Millions of Pakistani teenagers are staring blankly at their computer screens. The glare of the sun too much for them to handle, they are now stuck inside their houses with no direction and no goals.
Perfect, I say! This will be a great time to turn Pakistan’s hedonistic teenagers into wonderful Soldiers of God. Banning roughly 25% of Pakistan’s web traffic has been a splendid inaugural event. Let’s ban some more stuff, and let’s get some Mullahs to approve the bans. Fun, fun, fun.
Institutions of learning that allow the two genders to mix have been a terrible innovation in Pakistan. Universities such as LUMS and Aga Khan fill terrible ideas in our children’s minds: women’s emancipation, gender equality, other religions, non-propaganda history. This must be stopped at once. Some brave LUMS girl started the process when she blew the whistle on LUMS’ revolting PDA culture. We will complete her mission and remove all decadent thought from our universities. Too bad she won’t be able to experience it though. Co-education is, after all, very haraam.
Mullah Proclamation: “The Prophet said one should go all the way to China to receive education. We’re practically at the doorstep anyway, so we’re half there, hain? Let’s drop the women half.”
Restaurants are the devil’s seed taking brick-and-mortar form in our world. These establishments allow young, unrelated men and women to mingle. They observe one another masticating with lust. This is disgusting, feral behaviour. It is an abhorrent perversion of our culture, where we have always eaten together as a family within the confines of our homes. This ban is for the sake of our children: THEY MUST NEVER LEARN ABOUT SEX! And restaurants in Pakistan today are the same as bathhouses in New York in the 70s.
Mullah Proclamation: “In the days of the Prophet, they used to get so hungry they tied big-ass boulders to their stomachs. What’s shutting down a few restaurants, hain? Kids will eat at home. It will strengthen the family. Mashallah.”
Because it might be the only way to make Pakistan stop losing.
Mullah Proclamation: “We have been advocating the ban of Cricket ever since our players started using shoes with green soles. We’re not quite sure how, but having green for the colour of your soles is blasphemous.”
Look at these children. Look at how shocked they are. This kind of shock is only possible when one is exposed to a pair of boobs. Look at this picture, and tell me pornography isn’t bad. Those children are scarred. Do you want Pakistan’s children to be scarred too? Let’s save them when we still can.
Mullah Proclamation: “Of course pornography should be banned. We have done extensive research on this. Our entire mental capacity is focused on sex.”
5) Online Gaming
With most of the trafficked internet in Pakistan banned, we can wean our children off the internet for good. We should ban any online video games to stop our children from cavorting on the internet and using undecipherable terms such as “sux0r”, “n00b”, and “pwned”. They might even pick up a book (but we’re gonna ban some of those too) and learn something. No. More. Games.
Mullah Proclamation: “Video games glorify violence and desensitize young boys on violence towards women. We have no problem with that.”