PPP, A Word
Dear Pakistan People’s Party,
Feeling in the doldrums lately? Things not quite going your way? Try as you might everyone’s still hating on you on nebulous issues like “good governance”, “energy crisis”, and “bringing the people who killed your leader to justice”?
Have no fear PPP, I have some recommendations that are bound to improve your standing. They might be so successful that you might even attain a two-thirds majority in the next elections.
1) Malnourished Wild Animals
Your main rival, the PML-N has a strong, majestic Intikhabi Nishaan (poll symbol): the tiger. It’s another matter altogether that they choose to trot out lions from time to time (and cage them, and stuff them). The point is, that having a wild animal in the middle of your rallies is bound to improve public sympathy for you.
While the eventual goal ought to be something majestic and endangered (the critically vulnerable Snow Leopard, perhaps?), I would recommend starting out small. There is an abundance of dyed chicks in Pakistan, you should get three of them, one each in your party colours. You could give them cute names like Blacky, Reddy, and Greeny and just wait for the tween votes to come your way. (For this strategy to be successful you must also lower the voting age to 11. This is the Islamic age for adulthood and therefore should not be controversial at all).
The chicks could also double up as the eventual Olympic mascots of the Larkana Olympics 2050 by when Bilawal’s progeny will be expertly handling the party.
2) Girl Scouts
You do not need to look across the aisle for inspiration, parties within your coalition have some great tricks up their sleeves too. Take MQM’s girl scouts for example. Dressed in tremendously fashionable clothing, they project two messages at once: 1) We offer equal opportunity to both genders, 2) We look good while doing it.
Also, the word “scouts” has some military connotations and this might help you get in good with the Establishment. Most importantly, you should take a page out of the American girl scouts and get yours to sell Mithai door to door. “Benazir Cham Cham”, “ZAB Ladoo”, and “Balawal Barfi” will be your calling cards for the next generation of voters.
3) Jaunty Hats
Because nothing says “serious politician” more than a jaunty hat. The ANP knows it and owns it. Learn something.
4) Publicize Salman Taseer’s Tweets
When one of your public officials is tossing out bon mots like:
“Pakistan has been raped by the so called educated not illiterates. So why do MP’s need to be graduates?”
“IF the judicial babus intrude into the domain of the legislature and executive there will b a minus one in the judiciary!”
you do NOT want to hide this from the public at large. In fact, you should want to advertise it publicly and openly. I recommend installing a giant ticker outside the Governor House, Lahore (in contravention of the energy saving policy, natch), where his tweets are displayed. This will have the dual benefit of people finally realizing that Salman Taseer is not such a bad guy, and is actually quite hilarious, and of pissing the PMLN off often.
5) Louder Politicians in the Media
You’re already on the right path with your sidelining of quieter politicians who like to argue using logic blah blah blah (such as Sherry Rehman), Fauzia Wahab was an excellent first step. However, you really need to give Firdaus Ashiq Awan more airtime. Her recently improved profile (thanks to her cross-border wedding hopping), makes her the perfect candidate. We also know that she can get loud. And cuss with the best of them.
PPP, Firdaus Ashiq Awan is the future. Get with it.