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Allah kay Hathiyaar

April 20, 2010

The Pakistan Army has recently commenced the Azm-e-Nau 3 war games to prepare the army to fight any conventional enemy (Hint: NOT the people blowing up innocent Pakistanis on a near daily basis).

For the purpose of gaining support from the Pakistani people for their military exercise (as we all know, the military deeply cares for how the public at large feels), the ISPR has released a music video, titled “Allahuakbar”. Subtle.

We will now spy upon a conversation between the two ISPR video editors who created this gem:

ISPR Hack 1: Catchy song right?

ISPR Hack 2: Super catchy. “Allah kay hathiyaaray? Muhammad kay lashkar?” That is gold.

Hack 1: Can you believe Kayani first wanted Zeb and Haniya over this amazing song?

Hack 2: To sing a song in non-Pakistani language Pashto?

Hack 1: LOL

Hack 1: Oh yea, make sure to insert this one.

Hack 2: The lady pilot? Why?

Hack 1: To burnish our secular institution credentials.

Hack 2: Haha. Psych!

Hack 1: And we’ve got to have this shot of us stomping all over Jinnah’s burial ground.

Hack 2: Like we do for ten years every twenty years or so.

Hack 1: Totes.

Hack 2: Taking the flag from a kid?

Hack 1: Easier than wresting control of the country from Zardari.

Hack 2: You’re too funny.

Hack 1: THAT’S ME!

Hack 2: Yea, but let’s not include you doing lame stuff.


Hack 2: Okay, okay, chill.

Hack 1: Explosion!

Hack 2: Right in the middle of our troops!

Hack 1: We would so survive all explosions from a Hindu army.

Hack 2: Just like our troops did in this shot.

Hack 1: Mashallah.

Hack 2: Requisite diversity shot.

Hack 1: Repulsive diversity.

Hack 2: REPULSIVE DIVERSITY! Why are we including this?

Hack 1: Eh, the Americans love diversity.

Hack 2: True dat. Get them dollars.

Hack 1: All your base are belong to us India!

Hack 2: What the hell is that?

Hack 1: Internet speak.

Hack 2: Freak.

Hack 1: Uhhh, who let this shot of an unmanned plane in the video?

Hack 2: Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Hack 1: We don’t do unmanned planes remember?

Hack 2: I already published it on YouTube.

Hack 1: Let’s just hope people think its a nuclear weapon.

Hack 2: Yea, let’s.

17 Comments leave one →
  1. April 20, 2010 7:48 pm

    Haha! @unmanned remote control model plane: Hence, they added the majestic Ghauri in the very next shot! 🙂

    Brilliant work jee!

  2. April 20, 2010 8:45 pm

    oh too good. and wow, next step: nuclear-bomb carrying drone planes! yay!

  3. April 21, 2010 4:43 am

    Awesome – esp. the fist pump part!!

  4. April 21, 2010 6:56 am

    Thanks y’all.

  5. Jay permalink
    April 21, 2010 6:59 am

    The explosives used looks like low-heat “Hollywood” types..otherwise the troops wud become deaf &bleed to death from overpressure at such close-range supersonic blast wave. In most military grade cannot see the fire coloured flames in explosions…can only see with slow motion cameras.The fist-pumping frm machine-gunner was soporific..

  6. Jay permalink
    April 21, 2010 7:03 am

    Awesome blog..funny as hell..
    Too bad Subcontinental armed forces are not taking ladies seriously in combat. The ladies in PAF are only given Mig-21 clones I obvious PR attempt..not top of the line F-16s & so forth.IAF is more upfront with sexism .We need to learn respect for ladies frm Israeli IDF.

  7. Vanguard permalink
    April 21, 2010 7:29 am

    very funny…this one and the one about Aaj TV anchor are real gems

  8. April 21, 2010 7:36 am

    Awesome! the last one was the besT!

  9. April 21, 2010 1:30 pm


    …i just collapsed laughing!


  10. Sac permalink
    April 25, 2010 10:05 pm

    Good to see the army is getting into the whole ‘army of Islam and martyrdom for God’ philosophy even more. Not like it backfired too bad.

  11. Ali Khan permalink
    April 28, 2010 11:57 am

    To the wanna-be-funny writer :

    Good job as a joker. But at-least get your facts straight before trying to ridicule others. Use some brain before blabbering your idiotic taunts.

    What is Allah kay ‘hathiyaaray’ ? Are you deaf? It’s hatheyaar and word ‘hathiyaray’ has NEVER been used in the whole song. And what do you mean by ‘secular institution credentials’? You brainless moron can’t even understand the meaning of ‘Imaan, Taqwaa, Jihad-fi-Sabeeli(A)llah’ motto of Pak Army ? From where does it look secular to you? Pak Army repeatedly talks about its commitment with Islam & Pakistan both. If you don’t know the meaning of word ‘secular’ then at-least consult a dictionary before using this word.

    And can you give us a single proof that Pak Army has ever tried to hide its drone operating capability? NEVER, you dumb joker. In fact it has been told in MANY briefings(including those by ISPR ) that Pakistani military operates drones.

    Grow up joker & get a life. At least have some self-respect and stop showing ur mental retardation in your dumb comedies .

    • April 28, 2010 1:14 pm

      I’m glad that your biggest critique of the piece was on a typo. Good going!

      While the army may not be hiding its own drone capability, my allusion was to the Pakistan Army’s covert support to the CIA drone program. Which as far as I know is still considered a secret, despite the fact that everyone in Pakistan knows about it.

      Also, the army constantly positions itself as the savior of Pakistan to foreign powers. Lately this has been in the shape of the army showing itself as a secular institution in an increasingly Islamized country. For reference, you should look up Musharraf propping himself and the army up as the only people / institutions able to roll back the MMA’s victory in 2002 (An election rigged so that Musharraf could make that claim, mind you). I agree with you that the army is not a secular institution. It has, however, since 9/11 positioned itself as such to the West.

      So, I think the army isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, and therefore is worthy of ridicule.

    • Sac permalink
      April 28, 2010 10:01 pm

      Thank you sir, you have opened my eyes. From now I will never joke about the army and will follow them blindly. I must have dreamed all those times the army asked the US to share its drone technology. I have put a picture of Ashfaq Pervez Kiyani above my bed and I pray to him every night. I ask him to overthrow this ridiculous democracy (chorocracy?) and execute this kafir Iftikhar Chaudhry. Then he should institute mandatory conscription on everyone from 7-65 (If you can hold a gun, you can fight). Then we can realise the army’s dream and our true destiny by invading India and building DHAs in Uttar Pradesh. Pak fauj zindabad!

    • May 28, 2010 3:45 pm

      Ali Khan,

      I’m trembling in fear. Dumb fuck.

  12. Smci permalink
    April 30, 2010 8:21 pm

    And to think, all we Americans need is a simple ad like this:

    Graceful, yet formidable.

  13. Westendraider permalink
    May 1, 2010 7:25 pm

    You are either ignorant of the dynamics of military recruiting and retention or using this as an opportunity to score a cheap shot against the proletariat’s concept of God or maybe both.

    The Army, just like any other organization in Pakistan (political, educational, commercial, etc.) uses Islam to achieve their own selfish goals. Higher echelons of the Officer Corps is irreligious and has no need to appeal to faith because they are not the ones facing the wrong side of a barrel. The goal in Army’s case is securing valuable sources of recruitment for the enlisted ranks: the Potohar, Hazara, and Bannu regions. You might not be aware, but people from these areas still take their religious identity very seriously and these are the people who WILL be facing the barrel of the enemy (courtesy of Jinnah and his ilk ).

    The well-fed Officer Corps uses Islam to motivate the enlisted ranks to endure the hardships of searing heat in the trenches of the deserts of Bahawalpur and Sindh and subzero temperatures of Siachin while they themselves issue orders from the comfort of airconditioned offices. Places that the enlisted cannot relate to and are far away from their homes and farms. How else is an officer going to face the mother of a jawan who just froze to death on a God forsaken peak in Siachin. Tell them that he died for the country. Well that doesn’t cut it in these areas, the country run by crooks for crooks can go to hell… The mother is told that her son will be among the ‘shaheeds’ honoured by God in the afterlife.

    As for the Army becoming more secular. The most recent speech by the COAS is peppered with appeals to faith and God. Shamelessly continuing the manipulative and deceptive use of the faith of the enlisted ranks to achieve their own ends.

    However, it would be really nice for the army to become secular, because then the Army will be unmasked for what it truly is: a money machine of the irreligious officer corps to enrich their own interests. No self-respecting Muslim will ever be manipulated into enlisting in an institution whose leadership is one step away from being non-believers.

    Search keywords for Kayani’s latest speech: Kayani shuhada

  14. August 20, 2010 12:56 am

    Awesome read!

    And the blog is great!

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