A Series of Unfortunate Events
Vaunted defenders of democracy, the Pakistan Muslim League – Nawaz, is probably the most popular political party in Pakistan (or at least in the Punjab) right now.
With good reason too. In what has been a near flawless performance at the helm of the country’s largest province, the only minor blip on the radar has been a Rs. 2 per roti scheme that ended up bankrupting the Punjab. So, good going sirs! Our efforts to “Jaag Punjab Jaag” seem to have been tremendously successful.
Recently though our wicked media has been spinning the many successes of the party into failures deserving of outrage. This is outrageous!
1) Hugging It Out
What Happened: Rana Sanaullah, non-plaza owning, defender of the party, Law Minister, went to South Punjab to canvas for votes.
What The Media Said: Rana Sanaullah caught red-handed romancing the Sipah-e-Sahaba
The Truth: Rana Sanaullah is a God fearing Muslim who would never be seen romancing more than one person at a time. Therefore, the media saying that he was romancing a whole group is incorrect. Please ensure that we repeat this ad-nauseam on all talk shows. Romancing a whole group = SUPER SIN! He was hanging out with the Sipah-e-Sahaba though, canvassing for votes. Canvassing is a democratic duty. Not seen as a big deal by party leadership.
What Happened: Mian Sahib gave a rousing speech defending the honour of the nation, and demanded that money stashed away abroad be returned to Pakistan.
What The Media Said: Electricity stolen at Nawaz Sharif’s ironic speech
The Truth: First of all, Mian Sahib only believes in being earnest. Irony, shirony, what is this fucking hipster talk? Secondly, we already have huge generators that WAPDA gave to us. Why would we need an illegal Kunda connection. That was all WAPDA too. We explicitly told them not to use the kunda. No link between the generators provided to us from WAPDA and the illegal connection though.
3) Taliban Attacks! (Not on Punjab Though)
What Happened: Chhotay Mian Sahib gave a rousing speech (see the trend?) defending the honour of the Punjab, and telling the Taliban not to attack the motherland since we agree on everything.
What The Media Said: Shahbaz Sharif begs Taliban to spare Punjab
The Truth: This is unbelievable! No Sharif brother ever begs! The Ittefaq Group, the steel mills in Saudi Arabia, the apartments in London! Do you think they need to beg? Again, the media has taken it upon themselves to obfuscate the truth. Also, asking the Taliban to spare the Punjab? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? He is the Chief Minister of the PUNJAB! He doesn’t give a shit about the other provinces.
4) U-Turn on Constitutional Avenue
What Happened: Mian Sahib decided that the constitutional amendments were not the best thing for the country. He decided to reveal this 45 minutes before the new constitutional amendment draft was to be signed.
What The Media Said: Nawaz Sharif tosses a spanner in the works; fucks everything up; is a dick.
The Truth: How can you fuck the system up when the system is made for you? What rot! Mian Sahib just went to Hazrat Chief Justice (RA) and asked him what he needed to do for his continued blessings. That doesn’t sound so great though… How about this? Pakhtunkhwa, unlike Punjab, Sindh, and Balochistan, only reflects the language of the majority and not of all the people living in the province? The water crisis? Corruption? Doesn’t trust Zardari? Ishaq Dar and Ahsan Iqbal are idiots? Abba Ji rose from the grave and stopped him? Yea… we got nothing.