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Revolution Here, Revolution There

February 4, 2011

“Inqilaab aaye ga” (the revolution will come), is an increasingly common refrain in Pakistan these days. By “these days” I actually mean since time immemorial. You see, we’ve been hankering for a revolution for the longest time. We’re not quite sure what we want to revolt against, but we want a big ol’ French revolution up and down the Indus (guillotine optional, but strongly encouraged).

My job today is to organize our myriad revolutionary thoughts into a coherent whole. I will call this treatise “Revolutionary Thinking on A Revolution in Pakistan.”

What kind of revolution do we want? Let’s take some suggestions.

“French style revolution, led by patriotic generals.” Alright Altaf Bhai, thanks for that deeply original thought.

“Islamic revolution to remove all indecency from our society.” Thanks for that Mullah Hazraat. You may put the pitchforks down now.

“KHILAFAT OR DEATH (to everyone but the army.)” No, Zaid Hamid, we’re not listening to your rubbish anymore.

“Less corruption, more Facebook, but let’s ban it sometimes. Less America, but more pirated DVDs of Two And A Half Men, because we only like shitty shows.” Ugh, Facebook warrior. I suppose I’ll have to jot that down anyway to keep you happy. Wouldn’t want you calling me a “haRaMmm XadA” to your internet buddies.

“A coup.” STFU Nawa-e-Waqt Group.

“A judicial coup.” STFU Jang Group.

“I am innocent. Jahez. Ice Cream Shop. Aamir. Sponsorships.” Who let Salman Butt in? SECURITY!

“We will march from Lahore to Islamabad.” For the last time Nawaz Sharif, a leisurely drive on the Motorway in your Land Cruiser is not a march. It’s what Lahori federal bureaucrats call ‘Saturday’.

“A coup.” JESUS Nawa-e-Wa… Oh. I’m sorry army spokesperson I thought it was Nawa-e-Waqt again. Your thoughts are so similar. Chilling.

Well that’s a lot of different things. Let me see if I can compile them into a single coherent thought.

So, a French revolution that removes all indecency while imposing a Khalifa who allows the import of American shows. It would help it was kind of like a coup, and could be done while we just drive from Lahore to Islamabad in our Cruisers.

Good to know.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. Hammad permalink
    February 4, 2011 7:09 pm

    You really do moan a lot and offer zero solutions to problems.

  2. February 4, 2011 7:09 pm

    i was all applauding you on twitter just now, but EPIC FAIL noticed. where is the original revolutionary, the oxford castro, the tory taliban, where is imran khan you bastard?

    • February 4, 2011 7:14 pm

      That is indeed a massive fail on my part. One must never pass up a good opportunity to kick Khan Saab in the nads.

      • anon permalink
        February 4, 2011 7:53 pm

        can’t seem to decide the better of the two: the post or karachikhatmal’s comment and your reply to it!!

        maybe the post wins by a small margin :) :)

    • Shahid permalink
      February 4, 2011 10:16 pm

      Serious, serious omission. Where is Im the Dim?

  3. Anonymous permalink
    February 4, 2011 7:24 pm

    This blog is a place for you to shout out loud i think, Perhaps you cannot speak with your real identity, and when the emotional cup fills to the brim, you pour it out here.

    Oh and our revolutionary march will have some burqa clad men/women as well. Because we like to keep our bums safe ! No?

    • anon permalink
      February 4, 2011 7:55 pm

      shouldn’t there be a separate men’s/women’s marching lanes!!

  4. anonyfuss permalink
    February 4, 2011 7:52 pm

    what’s with the the pakistani twitterati/blogger hatred for imran khan? seems to me, in relative terms (notoriety/influence), he makes the most sense of anyone saying anything in Pakistan. Well maybe there are some others, but they are too busy being used by the head thieves to notice they’re being used by, well, head thieves.

  5. M Ali Khan permalink
    February 4, 2011 8:04 pm

    پاکستان میں اگر انقلاب کی ضرورت ہے تو سب سے پہلے اس بے عقل قوم کی بے عقلی میں

  6. amnamela permalink
    February 5, 2011 6:30 am

    “We will march from Lahore to Islamabad.” For the last time Nawaz Sharif, a leisurely drive on the Motorway in your Land Cruiser is not a march. It’s what Lahori federal bureaucrats call ‘Saturday’.

    …..hahaha. priceless.

  7. amnamela permalink
    February 5, 2011 6:33 am

    …on a darker note I just got a text msg rallying everyone against Flickr. (Do these kids just sit around googling for cartoons against Islam?) Photographers, brace yourselves.

  8. saeed ahmad permalink
    February 5, 2011 7:31 am

    We are a nation of cowards… There will be no revolution in Pakistan…

  9. February 27, 2011 9:05 am

    Epic article. I love reading your blogs. And for all those people who cannot see the irony in this piece of awesome literature, I pity y’all! :P

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